The JOKE Thread

[Impressions]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Steve M.]

Four friends who hadn't seen each other in thirty years are reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He got a good Catholic education and then started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is my pride and joy. He also got a good Catholic education and he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son attended a good Catholic school, studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other
just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son went to a state school, is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...
what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

:rofl:

[Cactus Jack]

Four friends who hadn't seen each other in thirty years are reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He got a good Catholic education and then started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is my pride and joy. He also got a good Catholic education and he started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son attended a good Catholic school, studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other
just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son went to a state school, is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame...
what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

:rofl:O....M....G...:rotflmao:!!!!! All their sons are gay LOL

[The Great One]

A man who eats many prunes gets a good run for his money. :)

[InspectorExstead]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


:lol: HILARIOUS!
btw, i am looovin' your avator! it looks really cool.

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38575 haha

[treky]

I heard Dustin Hoffman tell this on "THE TONIGHT SHOW".

A husband asked his wife: "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasim?"

And the wife said: "Because you're never home when it happens".

[The Great One]

The line below is true.
The line above is false.

[Penny Lane]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
>
> NICKNAMES
>
> If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
> Laura, Kate and Sarah.
> If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
> other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.
>
>
> EATING OUT
>
> When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
> though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
> and
> none will actually admit they want change back.
> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
>
> MONEY
>
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> sale.
>
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
> The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>
> FUTURE
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
> answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
>
> NATURAL
>
> Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
> fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
> remembering the same thing!
>

[The Great One]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. 'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off. You're going to break something.' He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. 0Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets The urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe What she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees. And he takes a long, hard look at
the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it
might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the
walls, etc. 'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks. He says, 'I've been
in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!'

[The Great One]

:lol:

Short Ones

An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"

A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.

A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.

A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.

Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.

When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?


These are good!!! Got any more? :)

[treky]

"Boy, these taxes are really high"! "Texas? That's where my uncle lives". "No, no! I'm talking about taxes. You know, dollars". "Yea, that's where he lives. Dallas, Texas".

A fat man and a skinny man walk up to each other. The fat man says to the skinny man "From the looks of you, you've just been through a famine"! The skinny man says "And from the looks of you, you've just caused one"!


Sign in a Volkswagon factory "Think big, and you're fired"!


Pilot to teenager: "Hey, wanna fly"?
Teenager: "Sure"!!
Pilot: "OK, wait a minute, I'll catch one for ya".

I heard that in New York, a person gets hit by a car every 5 minutes. Think about what that poor person must be like by now"!!


Did you ever throw your underwear in the hamper, it misses and hits the wall instead-and it sticks?:lol:

[Steve M.]

A movie director agrees to dinner with a big Hollywood producer to get his movie funded. They talk over a turkey dinner at the producer's house. The director flatters the producer and expresses gratitude for his interest in his movie. At the end of dinner, as they are eating dessert, the director says, "May I say, sir, that was an excellent pheasant we had!"

The director and producer say good night, and the director goes home. The producer tells his wife, " I've decided not to produce his new movie."

"But he's one of the hottest directors in the business!" his wife says.

"I don't care," says the producer. "I'm not backing a director who can't recognize a turkey!"

:lol: :turkey:

[The Great One]

Interesting facts!

[Cactus Jack]

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'

[treky]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[treky]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
>
> NICKNAMES
>
> If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
> Laura, Kate and Sarah.
> If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
> other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.
>
>
> EATING OUT
>
> When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
> though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller,
> and
> none will actually admit they want change back.
> When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
>
> MONEY
>
> A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> sale.
>
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
> The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> A woman has the last word in any argument.
> Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>
> FUTURE
>
> A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
> answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
>
>
> NATURAL
>
> Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
> fears and hopes and dreams.
> A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
> remembering the same thing!
>
that one about "OFFSPRING" describes my father EXACTLY!!!:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Penny Lane]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

[Penny Lane]

:lol:

[tv star collector]

Do You Have An HMO?
===================

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its
roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,
who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the
pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in
the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -
those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who
will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But
don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and
accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive
away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the
name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a
stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he
can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really
perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the
$20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment
by then.

[Hollow]

yay, music theory jargon!

A C, an Eb and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors here."

So, the Eb leaves and the C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminshed.

A D comes into the bar and heads stright for the bathroom, saying,
"Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Eventually, the C sobers up and realizes, in horror, that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial and found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor.
This C is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing - even accidental - and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

[tv star collector]

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
-- President Gerald Ford

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
-- President Ford again

"He's living beyond his means, but he can afford it."
-- movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

"China is a big country, inhabited mainly by Chinese.'
-- French President Charles De Gaulle

"Your medical assistance is canceled beginning 9/24/84 because of your
death." -- Iowa Department of Human Services letter

"Don't talke to me while I'm interrupting." -- movie director Michael Curtiz

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- basketball player Winston Bennett

"I don't believe a tree is a tree and if you've seen one you've seen them all."
-- President Reagan

"What was Watergate? A little bugging." -- President Richard Nixon

"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded." -- Yogi Berra

[Janice Johnson]

"Smoking Kills. If you are killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"-Brooke Shields, :rolleyes: :crazy: luckily, she was a teenager/very young adult, but thankfully,she's grown up and matured since then.

When I see those emaciated children in third world countries, I can't help but cry.. .... I wish I had the willpower to be that skinny/ I wish could be that skinny.-Mariah Carey.... Seriously, what was she thinking? Luckily, she has matured from this as well.:crazy:

[tv star collector]

Thanks go out to Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby") for this classic:

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!"

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked at me and said,
"You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told
the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He
said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't
care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

Well, one day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in
the contest. He said, "Wonderful! If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"

"But you don't understand," I said. "I want to have Sex on TV." He said, "They
already have that on cable. It's no big deal anymore."

Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog.

I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge
said, "The court is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts." Then I told
him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."

Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley
at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

[tv star collector]

From a Long Island paper:
FOR SALE--Large crystal vase by lady slightly cracked.

From a Jefferson City, Mo. paper:
Columbia, Tenn., which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the governor.

From a Newport, Wash. paper:
Mrs. Park and Mrs. Stone were in Seattle last Monday shoplifting for Christmas.

From a Gettysburg, Penna. paper:
Blend sugar, flour and salt. Add egg and milk, cook until creamy in double
boiler. Stir frequently. Add rest of ingredients. Mix well, serve chilled.
Funeral services will be held Thursday afternoon at 2 o'clock.

From the Ootlewah, Tenn. Times:
Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. Herman Ogle is a defective
in the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Jones is, of course, a
detective in the police farce.

Headline in Burlingame, Calif. paper:
SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITTED SUICIDE IN SAN FRANCISCO

Headline in Wheeling, West Va. Intelligence:
WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT

[From a jokebook that I've had nearly 50 years; still funny today]

[tv star collector]

A sailor's wife approached the pastor of her church just as he was stepping
into the pulpit and handed him a note. The note said: "Albert Morse, having
gone to sea, his wife requests the congregation to pray for his safety."

The minister hastily unfolded the note, and with his mind on the sermon he
was about to make, he announced: "Albert Morse, having gone to see his wife, requests the congregation to pray for his safety."

**********

"I've got to get rid of Charlie the chauffeur," complained the husband. "He's
nearly killed me four times!"

"Oh!" pleaded his wife, "give him another chance."

**********

A young man was applying for a job in a big company.

"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have
more employees now than we really need."

"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work
I do wouldn't be noticed."

**********

FARMER ZEKE: Quite a storm we had last night.
FARMER SQUEAK: Yep, 'twas.
FARMER ZEKE: Damage your barn any?
FARMER SQUEAK: Dunno. Haven't found it yet.

**********

GUNMAN: Get ready to die. I'm going to shoot you.
MAN: Why?
GUNMAN: I've always said I'd shoot anyone who looked like me.
MAN: Do I look like you?
GUNMAN: Yes.
MAN: Then shoot!

**********

FATHER: Now, Junior, be good while I'm away.
JUNIOR: Okay, Pop. I'll be good for a quarter.
FATHER: Why, son, when I was your age I was good for nothing.

[Janice]

As the first post of this thread instructs, please post all jokes and funny lists on this thread. Chit Chat is to chat about things in everyday life. I don't want to have to merge all the time, so to anyone who isn't posting jokes on this thread, please cooperate. Thanks.

[tv star collector]

As the first post of this thread instructs, please post all jokes and funny lists on this thread. Chit Chat is to chat about things in everyday life. I don't want to have to merge all the time, so to anyone who isn't posting jokes on this thread, please cooperate. Thanks.

Sorry. I will keep that in mind. Thanks!

[Steve M.]

MUGGER: Stick 'em down!
MAN: You mean, "Stick 'em up!"
MUGGER: No wonder I never make any money! :lol:

[tv star collector]

Sign in a cemetery at South Bethlehem, Pa.:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

* * *

Sign in a General Motors plant:
According to the theory of aerodynamics and as may be readily demonstrated
through wind tunnel experiments, the bumblebee is unable to fly. This is
because the size, weight and shape of his body in relation to the total
wing-spread make flying impossible. BUT THE BUMBLEBEE, BEING IGNORANT OF
THESE SCIENTIFIC TRUTHS, GOES AHEAD AND FLIES ANYWAY--AND MAKES A
LITTLE HONEY EVERY DAY.

* * *

Sign in a garage at Albuquerque, N.M.:
Don't smoke around the gasoline tank. If your life isn't worthy anything,
gasoline is!

[tv star collector]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that
helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Hollow]

"Smoking Kills. If you are killed, you've lost a very important part of your life"-Brooke Shields, :rolleyes: :crazy: luckily, she was a teenager/very young adult, but thankfully,she's grown up and matured since then.

When I see those emaciated children in third world countries, I can't help but cry.. .... I wish I had the willpower to be that skinny/ I wish could be that skinny.-Mariah Carey.... Seriously, what was she thinking? Luckily, she has matured from this as well.:crazy:
that rumor annoys me.

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/carey.asp

[treky]

sign in a Volkswagen factory: "THINK BIG & YOU'RE FIRED"!

[Steve M.]

A man and his wife go into a dentist's exam room and the man says, "Doctor, we need to have a tooth pulled, and we have to catch a train in half an hour. There's no time for pain killer. Just pull it with no novacaine."

"I admire your courage," says the dentist. "Now let me see the tooth."

The man turns his wife and says, "Show him your bad tooth, dear." :lol:

[tv star collector]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves
in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her
at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her
charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese'
together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The
sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and
cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and
says, "How well can you do?" "Um, I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the
Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle," I guess it's hopeless. That's just
as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs
and says, 'How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature
but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile,
a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says (this is good!)
"Liver alone, Cheese mine."

[tv star collector]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who found America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[Brad Russ]

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown. :eek:

Poor Charlie, will he ever catch a break?? Look at him up there, he's turning blue. Don't be embarrassed Charlie, lots of guys have that problem. :lol: Damn, look at him up there, can't say he's not trying. :lol:

[Steve M.]

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S (British dsicount mart)

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
shopping carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled
'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed
the fetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

[Steve M.]

An Irish potato changed his nationality. he became a French fry! :lol:

[Brad Russ]

:rofl: Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter as ked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said, "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled,
"SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" :mooner:
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak...

[Steve M.]

One sunny day at the end of January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from Across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

[treky]

HUH??? I don't get it:confused:

[Brad Russ]

Pants Vs Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a
little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something... On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and
said, 'Here - try these on'.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try
these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here- you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude,
you never will.'

[InspectorExstead]

Pants Vs Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a
little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something... On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and
said, 'Here - try these on'.'

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try
these on.'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here- you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude,
you never will.'

:rofl: that was hilarious!

[Spiritinthesky]

During their recent divorce case, the judge mentioned that Heather Mills was unstable. Sir Paul McCartney told the court that a beer mat under the left leg usually did the trick.

[Brad Russ]

:rofl: that was hilarious!

I thought so too. ;)

[imo]

I've got the body of a 12 year old, and the brain of a German Sheppard.















They're both in the trunk of my car, and I'd like to show them to you.

[Seth]

:lol:

(Sorry for the lack of contribution - I'm having to test something right now)

[wilson001]

Here is one Joke-

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"
Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!":):)

[treky]

:bump

here's 2 doctor jokes that are "oldies but goodies":
a guy went into a doctors office and said "Hey doc, got the results of my tests yet"? The doctor said "Yes, they're right here: I have good news and bad news, the good news is you have 48 hours to live". The guy said "That's the good news? My god, what can be worse than that"? The doctor replied "Well, the bad news is I got the results 24 hours ago".:lol:


A guy went into a doctors office "Hey doc. It hurts when I do this" he said, while waving his arm above his head. The doctor said "Well that's simple! Don't do that"!:lol:

[beautifuldreamer]

Here's a good "dumb blonde" joke (hopefully, I'm not offending anyone here.;) )

A blonde walks into a store and asks the salesman if she could purchase a television sitting on a shelf... "We don't serve blondes," he says. She walks out of the store...

The next day, she puts on a black wig and walks into the store and asks to purchase the same TV. "We don't serve blondes," he says. She walks out of the store...

The next day, she dies her hair brown and then walks into the store. "I wanna buy THAT TV!," she says. "We don't serve blondes," the salesman replys again. "How did you know it was me all those times?" she asks.

He looks at her and says... "Because that TV you want to buy is a microwave..."

lol, sry to the blondes out there.:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Chocoholic]

I heard a dumb blonde joke but uh, <shakes blonde head> I didn't get it.

Anyway, here's a smart blonde joke :D

A Plane Trip
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[DVDFreaker]

I heard a dumb blonde joke but uh, <shakes blonde head> I didn't get it.

Anyway, here's a smart blonde joke :D

A Plane Trip
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

:lol: It's finally nice to see a smart blonde for a change!

[treky]

a guy says to the doctor "Hey doc, I got a weak back; can you do anything for it"? The doctor says "How long have you had it"? The guy says "Oh, since about a week back"!:lol:

[Brad Russ]

This ones pretty gross, so if you're not into gross out humor DON'T READ THIS!!!



WARNING: YOU MIGHT HURT YOURSELF LAUGHING SO HARD AFTER READING THIS!!!



Subject: DO YOU FART IN BED?



IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.



THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS?



THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.



EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF, BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.



HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.



SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.



THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT.



THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.



SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.



SOME TIME LATER, SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.



THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.



ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.



SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.



HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU.'



'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.



'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'



'BUT, BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!!!

[Tweety]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari

______________________________________________________


A blonde walks into a public library, walks up to the Librarian's counter, and yells out "I'D LIKE A BIG MAC, MEDIUM COKE AND A LARGE ORDER OF FRIES PLEASE!!!!"

The Librarian was annoyed with her yelling and says to her "Please Miss, this is a library"

The blonde replied "Oh...sorry... " and then she whispers to the librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, Medium Coke and a large order of fries, please"

[Tweety]

Bill Gates, George W. Bush, and Vladimir Putin go up to Heaven for a meeting with God. God tells them that the world will be destroyed in 7 days and they need to go tell their people.

Bush goes to America and says "I have good news and bad news. the good news is that there is a God the bad news that he will destroy the world in 7 days. "

Vladimir Putin goes to Russia and says "I have bad news and very bad news. The bad news is that there is a God and the even worse news that God will destroy the world in 7 days."

Bill Gates goes to Microsoft and says "I have good news and great news... the good news is that there is a God! The great news is that we don't have too upgrade Windows!"

[Brad Russ]

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me .

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............. God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."

[beautifuldreamer]

^ that was great, Brad!! :rofl:

[Brad Russ]

^ that was great, Brad!! :rofl:

I'm glad you liked it Mattie!! I thought it was pretty hilarious myself!! ;)

[Chocoholic]

That one with the turkey guts... LMFAO!!! :lol:

[Chocoholic]

A priest, a rabbi, and a Hell's Angels member walk into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[treky]

:confused: I don't get it.A priest, a rabbi, and a Hell's Angels member walk into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[Brad Russ]

A priest, a rabbi, and a Hell's Angels member walk into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Short, and to the point, but funny as hell!! That was a good one Kristen!! :rofl:

[Cactus Jack]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?

'I used a different ****,'(rhymes with rock) he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'

[Chocoholic]

:lol:

A guy was out shopping one day and ran into this gorgeous woman. She smiled at him and said, "You're the father of one of my kids."

The man tried to figure out where he knew this beauty from. He asked her, "Are you that stripper I banged the night of my bachelor party five years ago?"

She replied, "No, I'm your daughter's kindergarten teacher."




I think they made a commerical out of that joke.

[Janice]

Looking for a Parking Space

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search
of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple
walking ahead of me.

"Going out?" I called to them.

"No," said the man. "Just friends."
:lol:

[Steve M.]

Conseravtive commentators Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham and Alaska governor Sarah Palin die in a plane crash. Awaiting their fate in the afterlife in a waiting room, they see three doors in front of them. A voice on the intercom tells Ann Coulter to open the first door and go inside.

Ann Coulter goes inside and finds a python in the room. The voice on the intercom says, "Ann Coulter, you have sinned, so you must spend all eternity with this python."

A voice on the intercom then tells Laura Ingraham to open the second door and go inside.

Laura Ingraham goes inside and finds a pit bulldog in the room. The voice on the intercom says, "Laura Ingraham, you have sinned, so you must spend all eternity with this pit bulldog."

A voice on the intercom then tells Sarah Palin to open the third door and go inside.

Sarah Palin goes inside and finds in the room . . . Brad Pitt! "Wow," Sarah Palin thinks to herself, "I am so lucky!"

The voice on the intercom reads, "Brad Pitt , you have sinned. . . ."

:lol:

[Brad Russ]

A little dirty, but funny all the same. :lol:

HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said...

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[Penny Lane]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death...

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."



Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[Penny Lane]

,
Subject: Generation Y

Hmm, I've always wondered this myself. Now I know.

- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995

Why do we call the last one generation Y?
I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below . . .
Learned something new today!

[PunkyP0WER]

What is six inches long, has a big head and women really love????















































































































































A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL

[Shine]

What is six inches long, has a big head and women really love????















































































































































A HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL

I thought that this was going to be a dirty post, Kimmy. :lol: ;)

[Shine]

,
Subject: Generation Y

Hmm, I've always wondered this myself. Now I know.

- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995

Why do we call the last one generation Y?
I did not know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below . . .
Learned something new today!


That's a good one! :lol:

[Penny Lane]

TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips



THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME
WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy Steps!


-----Inline Message Follows-----


Good one!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Make your summer sizzle with fast and easy recipes for the grill.


-----Inline Message Follows-----









TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips



THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME
WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.



YOU
DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?



GOTCHA!
Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great
day!






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




.

[Chocoholic]

Q: How many midgets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three, one to hold the lightbulb and two to turn its legs.

[Chocoholic]

Some Italian humor from a proud (half) Italian.
_____________________________________
What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.
--------------------

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

-------------------------------------------------

"Listen, God is everywhere, trust me, he is absolutely everywhere," the wise old Sicilian priest told little Gianluca, who thought about this for a moment, before grabbing a half-opened matchbox lying on the table, quickly snapped it shut and declared triumphantly: "Got him!!!"
--------------------------------

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
-------------------------------------

This Italian bloke had never played golf before and so asked for some tips before starting the game. An American player decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.

The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.

The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
--------------------------------

A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
----------------------------------------
Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"

----------------------------------------------
How to Impress an Italian Lady:

Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her...

How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.
-----------------------------------

Q. What's an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.

[Chocoholic]

Some funny one-liners...
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Who stopped payment on your reality check?

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud-pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

[Shine]

:lol:

Dangling Participles

- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with
wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the
residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his
relatives.

- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her
husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine
buck as well as her husband.

- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last
year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a
2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch
watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies
hunting elephants armed only with spears.


Those are pretty good, Jenny. :lol:

[Brad Russ]

You got to love this guy... This is a story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and

apparently even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with

a microphone to talk to the crowd.


He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give

everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and

had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes,
he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately

after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding

and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's

reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the

bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

[harryfielder]

THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head.... "No. They're all at the funeral."
:(

Aitch,

[Mrdata]

How can you tell your wife is a direct decendant of people from the bible?


At supper you always have to Break Bread




Charles

[megasoftcorp]

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

lol lol lol :D :D :D :laugh:

[Chocoholic]

:brent:

[MickeyMac]

LOL True but like Aretha says if you want a do right woman, you gotta be a do right man.

[catlover79]

:rofl:

[Steve M.]

There's a new law that says anyone who has sexual relations with a mime artist has to marry him/her and can never get a divorce.

The law is called, "You do the mime, you do the time!" :rofl:

[Schmoopie]

That's cute! Never seen that one before!

[Steve M.]

That's cute! Never seen that one before!

Thanks for the coment on my mime joke. I made it up - no pun intended.

[Chocoholic]

WHY PARENTS DRINK


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer...

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[robyrob]

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

[Chocoholic]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if He did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark
from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is verything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT......... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS!!!

[Penny Lane]

Polish Sausage

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!
A guy asks......
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage,
would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog.
would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco,
would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish
because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot":lol:

[LuLu Rogers]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......









About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, un-attractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"





The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "NO, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why in the world would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'





So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."











My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work. ;)

[Chocoholic]

:lol: Good one, Lauren!

[Brad Russ]

Not sure if this is legit, but if it is, it's pretty damn hilarious!!

These exchanges are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts

> and are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded by

> court reporters.

>

> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that

> morning?

>

> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

>

> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

>

> WITNESS: My name is Susan!

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

>

> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

>

> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

>



____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

>

> WITNESS: Yes.

>

> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

>

> WITNESS: I forget..

>

> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

> forgot?

> ___________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

>

>

> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> ____________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

>

> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

>



___________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

>

>

> WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

> _________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

>

> WITNESS: Yes.

>

> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

>

> WITNESS: Getting laid.

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

>

> WITNESS: Yes.

>

> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

>

> WITNESS: None.

>

> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

>

> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a

> new attorney?

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

>

> WITNESS:



By death...

>

> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

>

> WITNESS: Take a guess.

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

>

> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

>

> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

>

> WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.

> _____________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

> notice which I

> sent to your attorney?

>

> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

> ______________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

> people?

>

> WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

>

>



_________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

>

> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

>

> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

>

> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

> ____________________________________________

>

> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

>

> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

> ______________________________________

>

> And last

>

> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

> pulse?

>

> WITNESS: No.

>

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

>

> WITNESS: No.

>

> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

>

> WITNESS: No.

>

> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when



you

> began the

> autopsy?

>

> WITNESS: No.

>

> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

>

> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

>

> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

> nevertheless?

>

> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

> practicing law.

[Cactus Jack]

Those are hilarious. The first one was in a commercial :lol:

[Tweety]

California Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

19% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

81% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."

[robyrob]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Cactus Jack]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
:rotflmao:

[Chocoholic]

2 polar bears are walking around in the arctic, a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad, I have a question, are you sure I am 100% polar bear?"

The father looks at his son and says, "Yes, son, you're 100% polar bear."

"OK", the son says.

They keep walking and about 20 minutes later the son again asks, "Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?"

The father again says, "Yes, son, you're 100% polar bear."

"OK" the son says.

Then about 30 minutes later the son says, "OK, Dad, be serious. Are you sure I am 100% polar bear? Are you sure there is no black bear or grizzly bear in me??"

"Yes son, you're 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother! Why do you keep asking, Son?"

The son says, "Well I dont know about you but I am :censored: freezing!"

[Chocoholic]

^ :lol: That's how I sing :D

[LoveMrsG]

My best friend found this joke online several weeks ago and I've been meaning to post this here for quite some time.

A nun who worked as a home health care nurse was driving in her car to see one of her patients one day when on the way there, her car ran out of gas. Fortunately there was a gas station nearby so she walked to the gas station and asked the cashier there if she could borrow a canister to fill with gas and take to her car. He told her that all their canisters had already been loaned out to other people, so she went back to her car and started looking for something she could use for a container to put gas in. Being the resourceful person that she was, she decided to use a bedpan she had with her to put the gas in. She went back to the gas station and filled the bedpan with gas and carried it back out to her car and started filling her gas tank up with it. A couple of Baptist men were standing around in the distance watching her, and one man said to the other, "If that car starts, I'm becoming Catholic!" :lol:

[Steve M.]

A black man to a white man:

"I don't understand you white people. When I wake up in the morning, I'm black, when I go out into the sun, I'm black, when I'm mad, I'm black, when cold, I'm black, when sick, I'm black, and when I'm scared I'm black. Now, when you wake up in the morning, you're white. But when go out into the sun, you're tan, when you're mad, you're red, when you're cold, you're blue, when you're sick, you're green, and when you're scared, you're yellow. And you call us colored?" :rofl:

[robyrob]

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly...put me down for a 5."

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up tips on how to beat Tiger.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin an endorsement contract for her own set of drivers; to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Hello, Mr. Woods. This is the On Star operator. We have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window. We've called Nike. A new club is on its way.

Who among us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest golf club we can find??!!

Tiger's new movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

[Penny Lane]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.


The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.


The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[tracyk859]

Thanks for the post.
Hi guys, Im a newbie. Nice to join this forum.

[Tweety]

Thanks for the post.
Hi guys, Im a newbie. Nice to join this forum.

Welcome aboard!

Heard any good jokes lately ? :)

[Tweety]

Trust me, this stuff is funny if you play chess...

Adjournment: an interruption in play to enable both players to obtain analytical help from their chessmaster-friends, chess libraries, or chess computers.

Algebraic Chess Notation: a system of recording chess moves which is so logical and mathematically neat that it's amazing that it actually became popular here in the U.S.A.

Amateur: in chess, someone who plays only for money (cf. Professional).

Analysis: irrefutable proof that you could have won a game you lost.

Annotator: 1. a "friendly guide" to the complexities of master play, who first cites the MCO column for the game under review, then remains silent until White is a rook ahead, and finally, points out how Black could have held out longer; alternately, someone whose grasp of chess books doesn't extend beyond his library on the opening. 2. a GrandMaster of clichés.

Attacking Moves: moves that my opponent seems to make much more frequently than I do.

Bad Bishop: the one that you still have left on the board.

Bird's Opening: 1. f4. Opening named after a strong but nearsighted English master who frequently reached for the wrong pawn.

Black-square Weakness: a term usually given to describe the state of the dark colored squares surrounding ones own king (cf. White-square Weakness).

Blindfold Chess: a skill, through which minor masters can gain a world-wide reputation; outlawed in Russia because Morphy and Pillsbury died crazy.

Blitz: a an extreme form of rapid transit chess, where the players move faster than they can think -- thus ensuing the game a rare profundity.

Blunder: Sacrificing for a tactical disadvantage.

Bobby Fischer: A player who makes an appearance every twenty years to defeat Boris Spassky in a match.

Book-Player: a chess slave, who fills a relatively empty head with information that makes it even emptier.

Botvinnik: a Russian king, revered by communist society.

Brilliancy: a combinative sequence which is understandable to anyone once the solution is revealed.

Bughouse Chess: a game gaining in popularity since you can always blame all of your losses on your partner's play.

Bye: in Swiss System tourneys, a full point given to an odd player.

Castling: a defensive move played by a cowardly opponent.; a special move solely done for king's safety only to be dismantled by your opponent later.

Center: according to the hypermoderns, the area bordered by squares a1, a8, h1, h8.

Challenger's Tourney: a tournament to decide which Russian will play another Russian for the world championship.

Champion: someone who has attained success in chess only because he has had more time to devote to the game than you have.

Cheapo: a phrase coined by U.S. Master Dr. Karl Burger, who has won a large percentage of his games by such a maneuver; a move which threatens something so obvious that only an idiot would fall for it, and he does.

Checkmate: a self-inflicted torture by novices who don't know the word "resigns."

Chess: a most intriguing intellectual challenge, played in a cultured manner according to strict rules and regulations. The object of the game is to crush your opponent.

Chess Fever: a disease common among adolescent members of the Manhattan Chess Club; characterized by jagged fingernails, bulging eyes, and an unsteady hand.

Chess Life: a magazine that comes out late once a month.

Clock, Chess: a mechanical device used to time tournament games which no one ever pays attention to until that little red marker is about to fall.

Club, Chess: a group of devotees of the Royal Game, whose meetings are characterized by brotherhood and good sportsmanship and where never is heard an encouraging word.

Combination: any long series of moves that the average player cannot understand.

Compensation: something that I tell myself that I have for being down that pawn.

Connoisseur, Openings: an understanding authority, who thinks one opening is better than another.

Correspondence Chess: a system of play which in gaining in popularity because you cannot lose USCF rating points in this sort of competition; a method of play to determine who owns the strongest chess computer.

Cramped Position: that which you must obtain as a necessary preliminary to freeing your game.

Duffer: anybody who can beat you three times in a row.

Egotist, Chess: someone who is more interested in describing his own victories than in listening to yours.

Endgame: your last opportunity to miss a win or a draw.

Ethics, Chess: undefined (we could find no examples of this).

En Prise, To Leave: a method of relieving oneself of extraneous material.

Euwe, Max: that Dutch master whose name I can't pronounce.

Fianchetto: an Italian method of developing bishops; popularized by Russians.

Fischer, Robert: an American chess veteran who had been U.S. Champion eight times. His victims accused him of bad manners; his conquerors thought of him a fine sport.

Fish: a player who falls for all your traps and still wins.

Fool's Mate: the logical conclusion to any game of chess; a chessplayer's spouse.

Foresight: the ability to play in only those tournaments you are sure of winning.

Fork: "an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals in one's mouth" (A. Bierce).

Gambit: any unsound sacrifice in the opening.

Good Bishop: your opponent's bishop.

Grandmaster: anyone who has reached the point in chess where he is acclaimed for drawing all his games.

Grandmaster Draw: a friendly conclusion due to mutual fear.

Giuoco Piano: playable, but not quite so good as a Steinway.

Hypermodern Play: any opening system where an early checkmate is impossible.

If-move: a method of shortening a typical correspondence game from nine months to just eight months and three weeks.

Internet Chess: a method of playing chess in which you can pay a monthly fee, tie up your phone line, all to play your neighbor across the street.

Isolated Pawn: a pawn that will queen in the endgame (cf. Passed Pawn).

J'adoube: 1. a phrase customarily emitted when you are caught starting your opponent's clock on your move. 2. French for "What am I doing?" If I move that piece I'm lost!"

Kibitzer: someone who gives good advice to your opponent and bad advice to you.

King's Indian Reversed: naidni sgnik.

Lost Game: something your opponent had before he won.

Marshall Counterattack: an aggressive defense to the Ruy Lopez, devised by Frank. J. Counterattack.

M.C.O.: Modern Chess Oblivion.

Median System: a way of breaking Swiss System ties which requires a knowledge of mathematical statistics and algebra, but which is much simpler than any other system.

Middlegame: in postal chess, the first move after published analysis is exhausted.

Modesty: 1. a virtue that grandmasters rarely cultivate. 2. "When I am White I win because I am White; when I am Black, I win because I am Bogoljubov."

Moral Victory: Any victory less than a total victory. The term is usually used to make a loser feel better.

Odds: chessplayers.

Opening: that phase of the game in which intelligence plays no part.

Open File: a file cleared of pawns - a worthy objective since it is then easy to exchange a pair of rooks and obtain an easy draw.

Opponent: a slimy individual with an ugly face.

Open Tournament: a tournament open to all; a weak tournament.

Overprotection: first emphasized by the well-known theorist Nimzovich, this positional theme symbolizes Nimzo's relationship with his mother.

Passed Pawn: a pawn that never queens. (cf. Isolated Pawn).

Patzer: a good-natured term with which you describe anyone you can beat; but an insulting epithet when used by certain wise guys to describe you.

Pawn-Snatcher: a defensive genius.

Perfect Game: a way of describing all of one's victories.

Petrosian: See Grandmaster draw.

Pin: a sharp move.

Planning: The period of time where in the beginning you are hoping for a mate, by the middlegame you are hoping to have an advantage, by the endgame you are hoping not to get killed, and by the next morning you are hoping that they will not laugh at you.

Positional Sacrifice: a move so profound that if the annotator isn't your friend he calls it a blunder.

Principles of Chess: an archaic term; shown to be useless by Mikhail Tal.

Problem, Chess: any chess position that could never occur in an actual game.

Professional Chessplayer: anybody who cannot make a living at chess (cf. amateur).

Rating System: an objective method of ranking chess players which does not take into consideration the inherent beauty of a rose.

Reshevsky, Sammy: an eighty-year-old chess prodigy.

Resigns: a way of terminating a game, unknown to weak players.

Round-Robin Tournament: a competition in which you cannot talk the tournament director out of pairing you with someone you are afraid of.

Ruy Lopez: a Spanish bishop, usually placed on b5.

Sacrifice: any piece left en prise.

Seventh Rank: discovered by Nimzovich.

Sicilian Defense: a defense originated by members of the Mafia, embodying their highest principles.

Simultaneous Exhibition: a demonstration of ego, where one individual seeks to display his chess prowess by beating 40 beginners simultaneously.

Sportsmanship, Good: concealed hatred for a victorious opponent.

Strategy: any idea longer than one move deep (cf. Tactics).

Swindle: the only way anyone can be defeated.

Swiss-System: a pairing system full of holes, like some other Swiss products.

Tactics: a one-move threat (cf. Strategy).

[treky]

what's the difference between a chicken and a turkey?


A chicken enjoys thanksgiving.:lol:

[Vince53]

What do you call a carnivorous male gorilla wearing a pink dress and giant earmuffs?




















Anything you want. He can't hear you.

[Tweety]

While hiking along the U.S./ Mexican border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River and struggle to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he carried. With him was a Mexican who also struggled to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs strapped to his back.

If they didn't get help, they would surely drown.

I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

[tiredmike59]

why do eskimos wash all their clothes in tide ?
because its too cold out tide.

[tiredmike59]

a man met his friend on a street corner and noticed he had two black eyes.
he asked " how did you get the black eyes? "
his friend replied " i was at the movies and i noticed when a fat lady stood up in front of me,her pants were stuck in her crack, so i pulled them out for her and she punched me in the eye "
his friend asked " how did you get the other black eye? "
he replied " i thought she wanted it the way it was, so i poked them back in "

[tiredmike59]

a bear and a squirrel were taking poops out in the woods when the bear looked down at the squirrel and asked " do you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur? "
the squirrel said " no, i never have that problem "
then the bear reached down,picked up the little squirrel and wiped his butt with him and tossed him in the bushes. then walked away.

[tiredmike59]

last words of famous military leaders

gen. sherman " my cigar went out,i seemed to have misplaced my matches "

gen. patton " i still say we attack russia ""

gen. rommel " hitler sucks "

gen. grant " i know who will be buried in my tomb "

gen. custer " ouch "

[Steve M.]

Famouys last words of Superman:

"Who ordered the Kryptonite hash browns?"

[tiredmike59]

cisco and pancho were riding a donkey out in the desert,they have been out there for 10 days. cisco starts smelling a terrible odor and asks " pancho, did you sheet your pants? "
pancho says " no cisco, i no sheet my pants "
so they start riding,and again cisco catches a bad whiff and stops.
he asks again " pancho, are you sure you didnt sheet your pants? "
pancho says " i am sure i didnt sheet my pants "
so they start off again, this time cisco cant stand it anymore, he jumps off and grabs pancho,throws him to the ground and pulls down his britches.
a large pile rolls out.
cisco says " pancho, i thought you said you didnt sheet your pants? "
pancho replies " im sorry cisco, i thought you meant today "

[Steve M.]

Q. What do you get when Marxist revolutionaries take over a talcum factory?
A. Powder to the people.

[tiredmike59]

this isnt a joke, this really happened, but i thought it was kind of funny at the time. i was at the store and a blind guy was ahead of me at the checkout line. the back of his shirt said " i cant see sh@t " all the people in line were laughing, including the cashier.

[Steve M.]

Why was Pluto demoted from major planet status?

Because it's a Mickey Mouse planet. :p

[Steve M.]

RESTAURANT CUSTOMER: Do you serve crabs?
WAITER: Sit down, sir, we serve everyone.

Hey, it's early . . ..

[Brad Russ]

;)

[Regulus]

Geologists analyzing data from the Washington DC Earthquake have discovered that the Fault Line that caused the quake goes directly underneath the White House.

They decided to call it "Obama's Fault". :lol:

[Brad Russ]

Got this from my friend Andrea on Facebook.

Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac-Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. If you had this childhood. .. repost

[Penny Lane]

Practice safe snax...use a condiment!:)

[Steve M.]

I don't care if apathy is a big problem in this country.

Bad grammar is widespread in America. You don't never hear no grammar like ours!

Suggestions for improving my workplace go to into a suggestion box, and the garbage man carries out the suggestions.

Does a motorized toddler's car take baby oil?

A bird in the hand . . . can get you awfully dirty. :D

[treky]

I don't care if apathy is a big problem in this country.

Bad grammar is widespread in America. You don't never hear no grammar like ours!

Suggestions for improving my workplace go to into a suggestion box, and the garbage man carries out the suggestions.

Does a motorized toddler's car take baby oil?

A bird in the hand . . . can get you awfully dirty. :D
you posted this before.

[treky]

I got this in an e-mail:

A frog hopped into a bank one day, hopped over to the loan officers desk, and hopped up on the chair. The woman, Miss Patty Wack, looked at him and said "Yes, can I...help you"? The frogsaid "I want to take out a loan". The woman, startled that the frog could talk, said "Um...uh..do you...do you..have any colatrele?" The frog said "Yes" and showed the woman a little statue. The frog then said "Oh by the way, Mick Jagger is my father". She said "Is that important"? The frog said "You'll see"! The woman, still not believing that she was actuall talking to a talking frog, took it (the statue) and said "Just a minute". She got up, went into her supervisor, closed the door, and said "You're not going to believe this, but there's a talking frog who wants to take out a loan"!! The man said "A frog??? Really???" She said "Yes, and he wants to leave this for collaterele". and held out the statue. She said "I don't even know what this is. Do you"? The man took it and said "Oh him." Then he said to the woman...ready?

"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rolling stone". :lol:

[Steve M.]

you posted this before.

Sorry.

[Brad Russ]

i came up with this one a couple years ago.


So i guess my generation is called generation Y. Why is it called generation Y? Cause all our parents ask themselves the same question on a daily basis, "Why, oh why did i have kids??" lol

Sorry about the teen years mom. and my pre teen years, and 20's too for that matter. Hopefully my 30's will treat ya a little better. ;)

[treky]

a guy was in a doctors office and the doctor said "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you have 48 hours to live". The guy said "Oh my god, what could be worse than that? What's the bad news". The doctor said "I found out 24 hours ago".

[Brad Russ]

Sorry.

New to me, and i'm sure to many others, so thanks for sharing!! :)

Very funny!! LOL

[treky]

a little boy went out for haloween dressed as a pirate. At the first house he went to, he rang the bell. A woman answered, saw him and said "Oh, a little pirate! Aren't you cute?" Then she looked around and said "But where are your buccaneers?" The boy looked at her and said "Right here lady, under my buccin-hat!"

[treky]

A man was sitting on the pier once, fishing and not having any luck. Nearby was a young guy, also fishing and catching onefish after another. Xurious, the man put his pole down and walked over to the guy. He said ""Excuse me, I've been noticing you've been catching a lot of fish here. But I've been here for a half hour and haven't caught a thing! What's your secret?" The guy put his pole down, looked at the man and mumbled something. The man said "What?" The guy mumbled his answer again. Again the man said "What?" The guy then cupped his hands, put them over his mouth and spit something into them then closed them and took them away from his mouth. He then said to the man "YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP YOUR WORMS WARM!"

[Steve M.]

Q: Why does an Indian chief wear a headdress?
A: To keep his wigwam. :lol:

[tiredmike59]

The toothbrush was invented in North Carolina, If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

[treky]

The toothbrush was invented in North Carolina, If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
I don't get it:confused:

[treky]

a baby chick walked over to his mothers nest once and saw an orange on it. "He said "Look at the orange marmalade"!

[treky]

for fans of THE 3 STOOGES-

"What did Larry & Curly say when Moe gave them a birthday cake"?

"Moe cake, Moe cake"!:lol: :rolleyes2 :stooges:

[Steve M.]

I don't get it:confused:

The joke is that the average North Carolinian only has one tooth. :lol: Not really true of North Carolinians, but more true of Arkansans! :rotflmao:

[tiredmike59]

The joke is that the average North Carolinian only has one tooth. :lol: Not really true of North Carolinians, but more true of Arkansans! :rotflmao:
I quoted that joke from some guy in North Carolina who sent it to me. I guess you could substitute a number of states in place of North Carolina.

[tiredmike59]

There were a number of tooth jokes going around the last few years.Do you remember this one ?
QUESTION; What has 60 breasts and 8 teeth ?

ANSWER; The front row of the Oprah Winfrey show

[Brad Russ]

i came up with this one this morning, and posted it on facebook. Amused myself.

i just saw an advertisement on SO that said date 50+ women. The first thing i thought after reading this was, i'd love to, but i don't think i have enough money. ;)

[Steve M.]

A man goes on "The Price Is Right" and Amber Lancaster shows him a car he could win. "How'd you like to take that home?" Drew Carey asks him.

"I'd love to," the contestant replies, "but I'm a married man!" :lol:

[treky]

The joke is that the average North Carolinian only has one tooth. :lol: Not really true of North Carolinians, but more true of Arkansans! :rotflmao:
watch it; my brother, his wife and their son live in Arkansas!:lol: :lol:

[treky]

that reminds me of something-years ago, when my brother decided to move to Arkansas, when my grandmother heard about it she said "Aren't there a lot of hillbillies down there"? And she was serious!:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Steve M.]

Daffynishions -

Katmandu - whatever Catwoman tells him to

Handkerchief - the leader of the Handker tribe

Columbus - a mass transit vehicle made by the Colum company

[tiredmike59]

A foreman at a construction site is breaking in 3 new men, A mexican, an Irishman and a Chinaman. He tells the Mexican to shovel that huge pile of sand into the back of a truck. He tells the Irishman to sweep all the spilled sand into a pile. He then tells the Chinaman he is in charge of the supplies. He came back a couple of hours later and saw the mexican sitting and eating tacos and the Irishman sitting and drinking. The sandpile was untouched. He screamed, " Why haven't you guys done anything ? " The Mexican says, " I can't move the sand without a shovel " And the Irishman says, " I have no broom " The foreman hollers, " Where's that Chinaman? " " He is in charge of the supplies " Getting real angry,the foreman goes looking for him. Suddenly the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pile of sand and screams, " SUPRISE ! "

[tiredmike59]

Two guys go hunting for deer out in the woods, One guy waited in the clearing while the other went in to flush one out. The man in the clearing hears his buddy screaming and ran to find out why. His buddy tells him that a snake slithered across his foot,but he didn't scream. Then he says a bear came up behind him,but he didn't scream. His friend asks, " Well, what made you scream ? " His buddy tells him that two squirrels crawled up the inside of his pant leg and he heard one ask the other, " Should we eat these here, or take them back to our nest ? "

[treky]

A foreman at a construction site is breaking in 3 new men, A mexican, an Irishman and a Chinaman. He tells the Mexican to shovel that huge pile of sand into the back of a truck. He tells the Irishman to sweep all the spilled sand into a pile. He then tells the Chinaman he is in charge of the supplies. He came back a couple of hours later and saw the mexican sitting and eating tacos and the Irishman sitting and drinking. The sandpile was untouched. He screamed, " Why haven't you guys done anything ? " The Mexican says, " I can't move the sand without a shovel " And the Irishman says, " I have no broom " The foreman hollers, " Where's that Chinaman? " " He is in charge of the supplies " Getting real angry,the foreman goes looking for him. Suddenly the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pile of sand and screams, " SUPRISE ! "
yea, then what? I don't get it.:confused:

[tiredmike59]

Chinese accent. I guess that joke is better heard than read.

[treky]

yea, I guess so.

[Steve M.]

Two high school students, a nerd and a jock, arrive for school five minutes late and the hall monitor escorts them to the principal's office. The principal, who has zero tolerance for tardiness, demands an explanation from the nerd first.

"Some bully came up to me on my way to school," the nerd says. "He said he hadn't had breakfast and that he'd beat me up if I didn't buy him some. So I took him to a diner and bought him breakfast, but I had to wait until he was finished to pay the check."

"Hmph!" the principal says in disbelief. He turns to the jock. "And what's your explanation?" the principal asks him.

The jock says, "I eat slow." :lol:

[Family Ties Forever!]

Turkey Riddles

So bad, they're good...

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up? 'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!

What is the turkey's favorite black-tie celebration? The Butter Ball.

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda? A turkey sand-witch.

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to? Plymouth Rock.

Why do turkeys eat so little? Because they are always stuffed.

What key has legs and can't open doors? Tur-key.

What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, hubble, hubble.

How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I'll tell you at Christmas.

[Tweety]

^ nice, and clean too :)


One more for Thanksgiving:

A man ran into the butcher shop just before closing on the day before Thanksgiving. "You've got to help me," he said. "I told my wife I'd bring home a turkey for tomorrow's dinner, and I forgot! Do you have any turkeys left?"

"Well, I'll see," the butcher said, and he went into the cooler. He found only one thin, scrawny turkey, which he brought for the customer to look over.

The man shook his head. "Haven't you got anything else?"

Hiding his irritation, the butcher headed back to the cooler, taking the turkey with him. There were no others, so after a few minutes he brought the same turkey out again. "Took me a while, but I found this one."

The customer sighed. "All right. I'll take 'em both."

[Steve M.]

Question: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Answer: Piligrims. pilgrim:

[Family Ties Forever!]

Mortgage Payment

Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person.

The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers.

Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash.

I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here."

[Family Ties Forever!]

A Few Nights Before Christmas

A few nights before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Just me and my mouse.

My shopping not done,
I had flown to my chair.
I'd get on the Internet,
And buy my gifts there!

"On Visa! On MasterCard,
Amex! Discover!..."
Double click here!
Buy one or the other!

Load up your shopping cart,
Away with the mall!
Now click away, click away,
Click away, all!

I had finished my list,
"That was easy," I thought,
"But how do I get all this
Stuff I just bought?"

I must have dozed off,
When I heard such a clatter.
I arose with a start
To see what was the matter.

I threw open the door...
Is this some sort of trick?
The guy on the porch-
"You must be St. Nick!"

"You wish," said the guy,
"It's the Fed Ex, you old coot.
Who else do you think
Could schlep all this loot?"

I thanked him again
As he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a good night!"

[From the comic strip "Shoe"]
GCFL (Good Clean Funny List)

[robyrob]

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[Steve M.]

What happens to illegally parked amphibians? They get toad away! :lol: :drummer:

[Family Ties Forever!]

Two Hearts

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck -- two hearts just became
available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's heart!"

[Steve M.]

A motorist is traveling through the countryside and drives down a road past a famer. The motorist, who believes he's lost, asks the farmer if he knows the way to Fairview.

"Nope, can't say that I do," the farmer says.

The motorist drives on. A few minutes later, he sees the farmer in his rear view mirror, running after him, with another man running alongside the farmer. The motorist stops and lets the farmer and the other man catch up with him. "Well, what is it?" the motorist says.

"This is my hired hand," says the farmer, introducing the man to the motorist. "I told him you were trying to get to Fairview."

"And?" the motorist asks.

"Well," says the farmer, "he don't know the way either!" :lol:

[Penny Lane]

/

[Family Ties Forever!]

Places I've Been and Haven't Been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

[Steve M.]

Two Mormons walk into a bar.

That's it. :lol:

[Penny Lane]

Can you tell what's funny about this picture?:lol:

[Penny Lane]

Two Mormons walk into a bar.

That's it. :lol:


LOL I remember reading once that when Donny and Marie (who are Mormons) recorded "Sunshine On My Shoulders" refused to use the word "High". They wouldn't even get high on Sunshine!:lol:

[Steve M.]

LOL I remember reading once that when Donny and Marie (who are Mormons) recorded "Sunshine On My Shoulders" refused to use the word "High". They wouldn't even get high on Sunshine!:lol:

That's hilarious! It's even more hilarious to think that any of those John Denver songs were about drugs! :lol:

[Penny Lane]

That's hilarious! It's even more hilarious to think that any of those John Denver songs were about drugs! :lol:


Yeah "high" was a dirty word back then!Remember when Ed Sullivan ordered The Doors not to use "higher" when singing Light My Fire?:rolleyes: But they did anyway! :)

[Steve M.]

Yeah "high" was a dirty word back then!Remember when Ed Sullivan ordered The Doors not to use "higher" when singing Light My Fire?:rolleyes: But they did anyway! :)

And that got them on the Smothers Brothers show, I'll bet! :lol:

[Penny Lane]

VIRUS ALERT!!!!

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE
"C-NILE VIRUS."

[tiredmike59]

Cop " I wasn't satisfied with your stop at that stop sign "

Me " Can't please everyone "

[Steve M.]

Cop: "You were not only speeding, you were driving without your glasses! Your license says you're supposed to have your glasses on!"

Motorist: "But I have contacts!"

Cop: "I don't care how many important people you know. "I'm giving you a ticket anyway."

[Family Ties Forever!]

A pastor says to his congregation, "Anyone who will donate $1,000 will get to pick three hyms." An older lady in the back stands up. She says, "I'll donate a $1,000." The pastor says, "That's great, thank you. Which hyms would you like?" The woman points and responds, "I'd like him, him and him."

[The Flying Dutchmans]

I once heard this joke in a movie and can't get it out of my mind so here it goes.

A woman walks into a store carrying a duck. The store clerk said.

"Excuse me, but where did you get that filthy rotten stinking pig at?"

The Woman looked at him strangley and said. "I beg your pardon sir but this is a duck."

The clerk looked back at the woman and replied. "I beg your pardon miss, but I was speaking to the duck."

[Family Ties Forever!]

I was in Hallmark today and there was a lady who picked out a card. It must have been at least a foot tall. Even I could see it. :lol:

[Janice]

I was in Hallmark today and there was a lady who picked out a card. It must have been at least a foot tall. Even I could see it. :lol:
Sounds like Lou, I know I've told you that he buys me cards longer than my arm, lol. I'm exaggerating of course, but he does buy large cards. His mother told me that he always bought her supersized cards, even as a young boy. :lol:

Speaking of cards Jenny, I got your adorable Valentine's card yesterday. That sleeping puppy was simply too cute. Thank you so much. It made my day; I really appreciate it. You're so thoughtful.

[Steve M.]

Ed: Where should we go to have lunch?

Fred: Let's eat up the street.

Ed: No thanks, I hate the taste of asphalt!

:lol:

[Family Ties Forever!]

Sounds like Lou, I know I've told you that he buys me cards longer than my arm, lol. I'm exaggerating of course, but he does buy large cards. His mother told me that he always bought her supersized cards, even as a young boy. :lol:

Speaking of cards Jenny, I got your adorable Valentine's card yesterday. That sleeping puppy was simply too cute. Thank you so much. It made my day; I really appreciate it. You're so thoughtful.

I remember you telling me about that. :)
I'm glad you got the Valentine's Day card. :)

[Steve M.]

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
Trilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks only one language?
An American! patriot: