Family Guy: It's A Really Crappy Life

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 1- Peter's Wish

It was Christmas Eve. It's A Wonderful Life was on the television and the neighborhood children were singing carols outside on the street. 16 year old Meg Griffin and her dim-witted 13 year old brother Chris were there with a group of kids from the local Grade School that Meg had babysat for. In fact, it had been Meg and Chris's mother Lois that had suggested it in the first place. For a moment, her husband Peter wished that he was outside singing.

"Go on, Peter." Brian, the family dog and Peter's best friend, told him.

"No way, Brian," Peter snapped. "It'll only make it worse to be singing crappy Christmas songs only to return home to find Lois's parents, her sister and my dad be there by the time I get back."

Peter tried to focus his attention on the movie. It was one of his mother's favorites. Although it was centered around a holiday that his father despised, it gave a young Peter hope. Since he had married Lois, his life really had a happy ending, at least it gave him something to look forward to in life. He tried to remember how much his mom had loved this movie. Then he remembered the phone call he had received earlier that evening.

"Yeah?" Peter had said as he pressed the phone against his ear.

"Peter?" said the voice of Glenn Quagmire.

"Hey, Quagmire."

"You finally got my name right, Peter, I picked up Meg from the mall like Lois said. We're gonna pick Chris up from that kid he's awlays hanging out with and then, I'm gonna to talk to some female clients."

"But, Quagmire, it's Christmas Eve for Crap's sake."

"Exaclty. It's a big season for making out. Anyway I gotta go. Tell Lois I said 'Hi'."

"But, Quagmire-" Peter started to say. It was too late though. He was talking to a dialtone.

Peter had tried to forget the phone call. About being alone on one of the biggest family holidays of the year. Jimmy Stewart was blaring now, trying to drown out the caroling in the street. As he stared intently at the television set, he heard a knock at the door. As soon as he got off the couch beside Peter, Brian went over to answer the door.

"Who, other than carolers, would actually come here on Christmas Eve?" asked Lois. Everyone the Griffins knew, even Joe Swanson, Cleveland and his family, would be home with their families.

"Dad, open up," Meg's voice said from behind the door. "Can you turn the TV down? We're having trouble singing above the noise. What are you watching anyway? It's A Wonderful Life?"

"That's none of your damn business, Meg! Why don't you and Chris go back out there and sing with the rest of the merry losers! I've got better things to then listen to singing!" Peter snapped.

"You know, Dad," Chris told his father. "Brian said maybe if you weren't such a scrooge, you'd be outside singing instead of watching an old movie on TV."

That hurt him. Peter turned off the TV and sat on the couch. Maybe I went to far that time, he thought to himself. But how can I be expected to be kind and loving when my own dad never showed me how? Holy crap, I'm a middle aged fat guy sitting alone in my house on Christmas Eve.

He laid down on the couch staring at the cealing as soon as Brian went upstairs. Suddenly, Peter was tired, tired of his life, tired of being ingored. Maybe, in some way, he was tired of living.

Quietly as he fell asleep on the couch, he mumbled to himself "I wish I was never even born."

And he meant it.

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 2- Peter, I'm Your Guardian Angel

Suddenly, a cold came over him. Peter realized that he was sitting in what felt like a snowbank. As he wondered how she had come to be there, he began to turn around to see a man who resembled Oliver Hardy from those Laural and Hardy movies.

"Holy crap," he gasped too surprised to even whack this man who resmebled Oliver Hardy. "Who the hell are you and what do you want?"

"Hi, Peter, I'm John and I'm your guardian angel." he said as he offered Peter his hand. Ignoring John's hand, Peter jumped up and started screaming.

"Guardian angel? What the hell are you talking about! I wanna know right here and right now what I'm doing here or I'm going to hit you so hard, you'll wish you were back in those movies hitting the crap out of Stan Laurel!"

"Well," John began as he stood straight and tall. "I'm not really Oliver Hardy, I'm just asuming his form."

Peter gasped. How many Laurel and Hardy movies did he watch as a kid? Why did he look like Oliver Hardy? Where the hell was Stan Laurel then?

"First of all, Peter, you're going to have to believe me. I am, in fact, your guardian angel. Now do you or don't you want to know why you're here?"

Even though he was still in shock, Peter managed to nod his head slowly.

"Good. Now we're getting somewhere. This is the deal. You wished you were never born. You got your wish. This vacant lot is where your house used to be. Now I'm here to show you the consequences of the wish you made. Following me?"

"Sure." Peter said, still taken aback. Not only was the information so unbelievable but great. He sounded more like a CIA agent than Oliver Hardy himself. Peter was glad to find out that John barely looked like him.

"So where to?"

"Where to?"

John sighed. "I thought you got me. I'm here to show you consequences but I gotta know where you want to go first."

Pull yourself together, thought Peter. This is no time to freak out. "I guess I'd like to see Lois."

"You mean Lois and Ross Fishman?"

"Lois married that loser?" he said in a quiet tone. His attitude annoyed John.

"Good work, Columbo! Remind me to hire you for the next case. What's with the fraility act? Suck it up and move on..we don't have that much time."

"Why do you have to be such a jerk? I just find out Lois married that jerk and you make fun of me?"

John snorted. "I guess being your guardian angel left a lasting influence on me. Anyways if you won't find Lois, I will. Onward to the Fishman place!"

They were standing inside of a large minsion. There were several lights, beautiful furniture and a piano with what looked like Lois playing a tune on it.

"I thought you said Lois was here. Where is she?"

"Take a look at the piano."

Peter approached the piano only to see his own wife sitting at it. In her right hand was a pen and in front of her were sheets of paper. A little frightened, he backed up only to find out that Brian was bottle feeding Stewie as a man entered the room.

"Does Brian often do that?" he said terrified. Peter was afraid to speak to this woman who looked so much like the Lois Pewtersmit he married nearly 20 years ago and but she looked at the man, who was Ross Fishman, yelling at Brian. From where he stood, he could see Brian in what looked like a bulter's uniform and the man being told by Lois to calm down.

"Does Brian often do that," John said mockingly. "Don't you know ANYTHING? You're not alive! How could anyone hear have seen or heard you when don't exist?"

"So it's true isn't it? I really never did exist." Peter looked at his wife. Oh crap, he thought. What happened?

"How many times do I have to tell you, Peter, your wish was never to be born. Not to never have existed."

"What's the difference anyways?"

"Well, there's a whole world of difference. Lois and Ross had been dating for a few years when he actually asked her to marry him. Lois was already the light of her parents lives and they couldn't wait for her and Ross to get married so they had kids and they hired Brian as a butler."

"You see, when Lois was pregnant with Meg, Ross had convinced himself that this one would be a girl and the second and third children would be boys. The girl being a fashionista and the first son a jock. He was so excited when she was pregnant with Chris, he would only let Lois buy blue outfits and blue blankets. He even took one whole Saturday off work just to paint a blue nursery."

"That guy took off a whole Saturday," Peter asked amazed. "When I was a kid, my own dad won't even take a Saturday off for my birthday."

"Well, anyways, Ross was very excited even when Lois was pregnant with Stewie. Stewie's a good baby who has no intetnion of killing his own mom. He knew that he and Lois wanted 3 kids of their own and they got them. Since they got married, Ross had a good business and Lois became a broadway composer. And, of course, Chris became popular and Meg became really cool."

"Lois," he whispered. "How could you?"

"Yeah, yeah..touching, beautiful. Are you ready to move on yet? Chris and Meg?"

"Okay," started Peter as he tried to wipe a few tears from his eyes. "I might wanna see how Chris is doing without me first and then I'll see Meg."

"Hmm," said John. "How 'bout your best friend after Brian, Quagmire?"

"Quagmire? I guess so. Yeah, let's check in on him after the kids and see how he's coming along." he said. Nothing could be worse than what he had already seen.

At least that was what he hoped.

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 3- Chris and Meg

"Hi, Chris."

"Yo, Big C."

"Yo, yo, Chris, what's happenin'?"

These were the words Peter heard as he and John appeared in front of Buddy Cianci Jr High. A load of cool teenage words were spoken to what looked like a muscle bound version of Chris Griffin. And it wasn't only one voice that spoke to him. It was several.

Peter looked toward the direction of the speaking. Over in the corner, he saw his older son Chris looking rather tanned and buff as four or five teenagers gathered around him. Just by looking at Chris, Peter realized that this was the first time he saw Chris looking like Sylvester Stallone.

Well, Peter thought. It'll be the last if I have to put him back on those donuts!

"You can't do anything about it, Peter. You don't exist. For such a fat dumb guy, you take awhile to catch on," John said looking at him knowingly. "And don't ask how I knew what you were thinking. I'm working for the Man Upstairs, remember?"

"But I can't let him look like that! He's my son. I need to protect his ass!" Peter cried in deep distress over Chris's physique.

"You're right. He DOES have your own fat. That is when you existed. But as we've gone over several times, Peter, in this world, you were never born. Chris worked out a lot since his father had a successful business. This is the Chris who works his ass off to become like Mr Universe or something now let's go find Meg."

As soon as they were inside Meg's classroom at James Woods High, Peter and John stood behind one of Meg's classmates as her teacher, Glenn Quagmire asked "Okay, Class, can anyone tell me what year Christopher Columbus discovered America," Suddenly, he turned to the class as Meg, who had longer hair and was not longer wearing her usual outfit, glasses and skull cap but was wearing a pink midriff showing T-shirt, a blue denim skirt and white knee high boots, raised her hand and Quagmire said "Meg?"

"Like, that'd be in 1492, Mr. Quagmire!" Meg said.

"That's right, Meg." Quagmire said.

"Why the hell does Meg look too pretty," asked Peter. "Why the hell's Quagmire teaching her History class? Is he looking at her boobs or her ass?"

"No, he's not, Peter. Without you around, he came a resptectful one man-woman and Meg's history teacher and without you embarrassing her, Meg became one of James Woods High School's most popular girls. Even when you existed, she was always eager to please you, always eager to let you have your way. Somehow that eagerness has led her into believing that she deserves what she's getting. In this Peterless world, she's better looking her than she was with you around."

Suddenly, Clevelend's voice came on the tannoy and said "Attention, Mr Quagmire, your wife is here to see you."

As soon as the door opened, Lois's sister Carol entered but she had longer hair and was wearing a pink blouse, a light blue skirt and brown high heels.

"Carol looks better than I thought she would." Peter said as he looked at Carol.

"You ain't seen nothing yet." John told Peter.

"Glenn honey," Carol told him. "You've forgot your lunch again."

"Sorry, Carol honey." Quagmire said.

"It's okay!" Carol said and with that, she kisses Quagmire on the cheek and left. As soon as Carol left, the class stared at him.

"Quagmire and Carol are married," asked Peter. "And Cleveland's the principal?"

"They were married for five years," John said. "Which is why he never became a sex addict because of you and Cleveland became the shcool's first African-American principal!" Peter turned his attention towards Quagmire and the whole class and silently thanked God that Carol finally got a man that would never leave her.

"Well, um.." started Neil Goldstein. He searched for the next words and was suddenly given the urge to fight back but supressed it. "I was just going to point out that the term 'stupid brainiac' is in fact a contridiction from Meg and her friends. To be grammatically correct, you may want to-". He was cut off by Meg tripping him over by 'accident'.

Peter couldn't stand to watch and did the unthinkable by turning his back on his daughter giggling at Neil's pain. He knew she was better looking than the Meg he knew and sired.

"Wait a minute," Peter said at loud. He turned to John and gave him a hard look. "What about Joe, John? I wanna know what his life's like without me. Where the hell's Officer Joe Swanson?"

For the first time, John hung his head low. He couldn't look into Peter's eyes. He had heard from God how much Peter had always been there for Joe after the incident that left him crippled for life. He knew what would eventually have be told. As rude and uncompassionate as he was, he knew what this would do to Peter.

Peter began to grow frightened as he saw John's reaction. He didn't like the way he was avoiding his eyes. In a low voice voice that even he did not recognize, he said "Where....is......he?"

"Peter," John began, his voice dripping with remorse. "I'm really sorry to tell you this but...Joe's dead, Peter. He's dead."

"Holy crap." Peter said as he passed out.

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 4- Joe's Gone?

"Peter," John's voice said. "Peter? You've got to wake up. I can't believe I let myself get so attached to you. Don't you at least want to know what happened?"

Peter opened his eyes to see John's face peering down at him worriedly. He was no longer in Meg's classroom. He was on a sidewalk. Trying to figure out where he was he looked past John's face and let his eyes rest on a sign. Quahog Police Station. At first he lit up excited to be outside of the Police station. Then he remembered that his friend Joe no longer worked there. One of his best friends was dead.

"John...I...how? I mean I just saw him a few hours ago....how could he be....gone?" he was searching for words. It was all just so horrible.

"I'm going to tell you everything, Peter, simple and straightforward. Nothing but the facts."

"First of all let me say that his death was quick and painless. He died trying to help someone. You know his nature. There was a terrorist raid and Joe was trying to help some of the captives but in trying to intervene with the terrorists, he himself was killed. It was all very sad. It was in the news for weeks afterwards."

"What I need to know is what it has to do with me having never existed? I mean I realize that Quagmire, Cleveland and my family were affected because of me not being around. How could it affect Joe?"

Then the clock tower chiming 12:00 startled Peter.

"It's twelve o'clock, Peter. A year to the day that Joe's life ended. You see Cleveland's wife Loretta was one of the hostages too. Joe went over to the terrorists and tried to grab the gun out of their leader's hand and well....you know the rest."

"But why would there be terrorists in Quahog? On Christmas Day? Joe's got a wife, a job, friends. He even had a stint on stage with Johnny Cash in 1978 under his belt. He was so happy."

"That's right, Peter. His wife gave birth shortly after Joe's death. Don't you remember what happened last Christmas?"

Joe, Quagmire, Brian, Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie, Cleveland, Loretta and Cleveland Jr. A Christmas wish. Meg's Nancy D'Angelo snow boots. He remebered that Loretta, Lois and Joe's wife also got the same boots. So that Joe's wife herself could have the one gift she'd ever wanted. Joe often took Christmas off even to get his wife those boots...

And he realized what had happened. He had never existed so he was never able to give his old poncho away to make everyone's Christmas wishes come true.

"I understand now, John. And without having any family that Christmas, those bastards became terrorists. It must've been building up for so many years. Without a loving family around them, the holiday was just too depressing so they wanted to make everyone in Quahog wished they'd never existed." Just like me, Peter thought to himself. Just like me.

"Wait a minute! I understand everything now! Those bastards did exactly what I'd done. I felt unloved by my family....to some degree I didn't even HAVE a family. And just like him I had wished I wasn't alive only instead of shooting myself I-" Peter gasped and continued in a quiet voice. "I wished that I was never born."

"Peter, I knew you were smart. Do you understand now what a selfish act it is to wish yourself away? Whether it be how you affected your family, your friends, even Joe. You did the same thing those bastards did. And instead of feeling free of pain, they're now in jail thank God with the knowledge of what they've done."

"But it's different with me, right, John? I mean I can change everything now...I can make it alright. You wouldn't show me all of this and then let me go with the knowledge of all the pain I caused by one mindless wish. You'll let me redeem myself. You have to! Please! You have to let me live," he was becoming hysterical with tears. "You have to let me fix everything!"

"Calm down, Peter. You're getting hysterical." John said as he started to shake Peter.

[Race's Girl]

Chapter 5- Born Again Peter

"Peter, stop it. You're gonna hurt yourself," Peter stopped shaking and opened his eyes. Brian looked at him, his face filled with worry. "Peter, what's wrong? Are you having a nightmare?"

Where was John? Where was he? Then he heard it. "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings." Peter was home! It was still Christmas Eve and he had fallen asleep watching It's a Wonderful Life on TV. And there was Brian standing above him holding a book of songs Lois had written.

"Peter, do you wanna sing some of these Christmas carols Lois wrote?"

"Suck my a-, " Peter stopped himself. How could he talk to Brian like that after the dream he had just had. He started again. "Brian, I'm surprised to see you. I thought you and Quagmire went to some meeting at the emporium."

Brian was surprised at Peter's tone. And of course, there was the fact that Brian worked with Joe not Quagmire. "Well, Peter, it turned out that Quagmire was been so hassled this holiday season that he didn't realize it was Christmas Eve. As soon as he realized it, he found Meg at the shopping mall and they rushed back here. You didn't think we'd leave you alone on Christmas Eve, did you?"

"But I told Quagmire on the phone that it was Christmas Eve." No use calling him Glenn. He was still mad at him from the dream.

"Oh you know he never listens on the phone, Peter. And he felt horrible about leaving you alone on Christmas Eve. You know I think he's made a lot of progress over the last year don't you think? I mean ever since you two went to see This Is A Load Of Crap last year, you two have been closer. Give him a chance. Anyway, all this talking has made me thirsty. I'm gonna get some water."

"Dad?" said a female voice behind him. It was Meg holding a gift.

"Yeah, Meg?" he said nervously. He couldn't remember the last time that Meg had smiled at him.

"Look, Dad....I'm sorry for not calling you earlier. It's just....well, Mr Quagmire attempted to make out with me in his car," Meg said as she looked down at the gift. "Here, why don't you open your gift from me now. I picked it out myself."

He picked up the gift. It was rectangular. He shook it. Nothin rattled. So like any normal kid in the body of a fat middle aged guy, he proceded to rip the paper to shreds. He found himself holding a black velvet book with the words "Property of Peter Griffin" written across the front in fancy gold script which was similar to Meg's own diary.

"Look, Meg said she even got your name on it." Chris said smiling weakly. He began to fidget a little.

"Well, I'm gonna join Brian and Stewie in the kitchen and then I'll make you some eggnogg," said Lois. "You might want to look at the first page...your father wrote something on it."

Peter was speechless as he read the paragraph his father had composed.

Peter,
I've been secretly going to your friend Dr. Bliss's office for the past year. As you're reading this I'm currently in the kitchen telling Brian and the kids the very same thing. Dr. Bliss has been helping me realize how important family is and how dysfunctional ours is. I know now that I'd been favoring the rest of the family over you. I want to make a fresh start this year and what a better time of the year then Christmas? Even though I know that I can't buy your love I wanted to show you that I've come to understand you better and so I purchased this journal for you because I can now see your love for the written word. I hope we can forget the past and look towards the future.
Love Lois.

He could hardly believe it. Lois had actually composed this touching letter. He wanted to become the father that he never was. Peter stood up, ready to go into the kitchen to talk to him when music floated into the house.

We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose
And we all know Frosty whose made out of snow
But all of those stories seem kind of... gay
'Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo,
Small and brown, he comes from you,
Sit on the toilet, here he comes,
Squeeze him between your festive buns

A present from down below,
Spreading joy with a "howdy ho",
He's seen the love inside of you
'Cause he's a piece of poo

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Peter looked out the window. It was a group of kids. Oh how wonderful it was to see their faces after having such a horrible and vivid dream.

"Hi, Kids!" Peter cried as he opened the door. The children were standing on the Griffin's porch with all the carolers standing on the sidewalk.

"Hi, Mr Griffin," said one of the children. "Look, we just wanted to apologize about what Chris said earlier. Meg said he went way too far and should never of called you a Grinch...it's just that sometimes you can-" The child was cut off by Meg as soon as she and Chris had exited the house.

"Oh my god," Stewie said. "What is that fatload doing?"

"Daddy's hugging your brother and sister, Stewie," Lois said releasing him. "I thoguht he slipped on the ice and didn't feel like breaking his neck."

"You suck." Stewie said thankful that his older brother had done one of the things he always wanted to do at Christmas.

Peter looked at all of the carolers who were still staring at him and said "Okay, don't you know anything about caroling? The point behind is to actually sing and not stand there and stare. I guess the only way you're going to do it right is with a little help from me." he started singing and pretty soon everyone was joining in.

Sometimes he's nutty,
Sometimes he's corny,
He can be brown or greenish-brown (Mmm Mmm)
But if you eat fibre on Christmas eve,
He might come to your town

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo,
He loves me, I love you,
Therefore vigariously, he loves you,
I can make a Mr Hankey too

Now that everyone was busy singing, Peter made his way over to Meg and Chris. "Meg, Chris?" he said.

"Yeah, Dad?"

"What is it, Dad?"

"Kids, I...I just wanted to let you know that you're really great teeangers...and...I" Peter didn't know what to say so threw his arms around his oldest two children.

"Wow, Dad, you seem to be tripping on a great deal of ice tonight." Meg joked. She knew that the ice excuse was just that; an excuse. It looked at though Peter had been through something tonight and was content in the fact that the two Griffin teens would probably fill him in later and turned his attention back to caroling.

Peter was also intent on singing because for the first time in his life, he had something to sing about. As she started the next verse, he heard a familar voice behind him. As he turned around, he saw John and faced him.

"Was it a dream, John? Please tell me the truth. Did any of that stuff actually happen?" he asked not knowing if he even wanted to know the truth.

"Maybe, Peter, maybe." was John's reply. Satisfied with his answer, Peter turned back to singing the rest of Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo.

I'm Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo,
Seasons greetings to all of you,
Let's sing songs and dance and play
Now before I melt away

Here's a game I like to play,
Stick me in your mouth and try to say,
Howdey ho ho yum yum yum,
Christmas time has come

Sometimes he's runny,
Sometimes he's firm,
Sometimes he's practically water,
Sometime he hangs off the end of your ass
And won't fall in the toilet
'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter
And he wont drop off and so you shake your ass around and try to get it to drop in the toilet and finally it does

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo,
When Christmas leaves, he must leave too
Flush him down but he's never gone,
His smell and his spirit lingers on....

Howdy ho!

Quietly alone in the back of the group, John looked up at the night sky. "Sorry," he said to himself. "I can't tell you the truth but don't worry. I'm still watching over you."

THE END