The Simpsons: It's A Won(Annoyed Grunt)ful Life

[Race's Girl]

ACT ONE: I WISH THAT I WERE NEVER BORN

(Scene opens outside the apartment of Lenny Leonard as we hear the voice of Lenny himself)

LENNY'S VOICE- God, please save Homer before it's too late.

(Cut to outside Carl's apartment)

CARL'S VOICE- I don't care what you do, God, please help Homer.

(Cut to outside Barney's apartment)

BARNEY'S VOICE- Please save Homer, God before he does something we won't forget for the rest of our lives.

(Cut to outside the Simpson house as we hear Bart's voice)

BART'S VOICE- Please help Homer, God. I need him to help me with my homework or Miss Krabappel'll fail me again.

MARGE'S VOICE- Who are you talking to, Bart?

BART'S VOICE- No one, Mom.

(The camera rises up to the sky as the scene changes to what looks like outer space but is really Heaven)

GOD- Not again.

ANGEL- What is it, boss?

GOD- It's another call about that Homer Simpson guy again.

ANGEL- Do you want me to send one of our best angel agents to scoop this out, boss?

GOD- Send Clarence on this job.

ANGEL- Clarence retired when he helped that George Bailey guy.

GOD- Who else is available?

ANGEL- There's that rookie I've been telling you about.

GOD- Is this rookie ready for the big time.

ANGEL- He's good and ready, boss.

GOD- Send him in.

(Another star/angel enters)

ANGEL 2- You sent for me, sir?

GOD- Andrew, I'm sending to Earth on a mission.

ANDREW- I hope it isn't one of those save people from committing suicide jobs.

GOD- You are to help a man from Springfield from making the biggest mistake of his life.

ANDREW- What's his name?

GOD- Homer Simpson.

ANDREW- The dude who's baby shot old man Burns? Burns deserves to go to Hell after the way he treats Homer.

GOD- You got a job to do, Andrew.

ANDREW- I need more info on what my job is first.

GOD- Homer Simpson is lazy, childish and an idiot.

ANDREW- Well, duh, I know who he is; I just wanna find out what his biggest mistake is.

GOD- He wishes never to be born.

ANDREW- When did it all start?

GOD- It all started the week before Christmas vacation in Springfield. Homer was eating breakfast with his wife Marge and their kids Bart, Lisa and Maggie...

(Scene ripple dissolves to the dining room of the Simpson house where the Simpson family are eating breakfast)

LISA- I can't wait till Christmas comes!

BART- That's not until a week away, Lis.

HOMER- Speaking of Christmas, when are Herb and my dad are gonna be here?

MARGE- They should be here the time Bart and Lisa have their two weeks of Christmas vacation and so will my mother and Patty and Selma.

BART- Don't forget I'm playing the Artful Dodger in the school's version of Oliver Twist on Friday night.

MARGE- We wouldn't miss it for the world, Bart honey.

HOMER- Bart, you're suppose to do the story of Christmas for your crappy school play, not Oliver Twist.

BART- Whose idea was it to do a play about someone giving birth on Christmas?

LISA- Mine and it's about the birth of Jesus Christ, Bart. Prinicpal Skinner didn't want a short Christmas play so he picked Oliver Twist instead.

BART- He what?

LISA- He thought that the birth of Jesus play was done to death. Didn't you get the rewrites?

HOMER- I was helping Bruce Willis save the world from terrorists again.

BART- You where doing what with Bruce Willis, Homer?

MARGE- Your father was being sarcastic again, Honey!

HOMER- I'm going to work.

(Homer leaves)

BART- There's something wrong with that guy. I know what I'm getting Homer for Christmas.

LISA- What's that?

BART- That Family Guy DVD that he's been yakking about for weeks.

(Scene changes to Homer, Lenny and Carl at the Springfield Nucleur Power Plant)

CARL- Did your kids tell you their principal changed the play, Homer?

HOMER- I knew the boy wanted to do Oliver Twist this year.

LENNY- None of us took ballet lessons. I ought of give that guy a piece of my mind for changing my idea for the Christmas play and violence is the answer.

CARL- What are going to do tomorrow night, Mr Smart Guy?

HOMER- Nothing.

LENNY & CARL- (together) What?

HOMER- I'm gonna let fate be my guide for my revenge.

LENNY- You're a madman, Homer.

(Scene changes to Miss Krabappel's classroom in Springfield Elementary)

MISS KRABAPPEL- I can't wait until you're gone for the next two weeks of your Christmas vacation where I can finally forget about you kids even Bart! Ha.

MILHOUSE- Are you coming to see the Christmas play this Friday, Miss Krabappel?

MISS KRABAPPEL- I'm not sure!

(Principal Skinner enters)

PRINCIPAL SKINNER- We're going to that play, Edna even if I have to bring my mother as well.

MISS KRABAPPEL- I hate that woman!

PRINCIPAL SKINNER- It's your funeral.

(Cut to Prinicipal Skinner's house)

MRS. SKINNER- (to herself) I'll be ready for you, you hussy!

(Scene changes to the school's auditorium where Ms. Hoover, Lisa, Milhouse, Janey, Bart, Nelson, Jimbo, Dolph, Kearney and other students are on stage practicing for the play)

MS. HOOVER- I know that we had to change the play from the Nativity to Oliver Twist thanks to our beloved Principal's asking. I'm hoping that we can get a better audience to come see this one. (to Ralph) Please, no screw ups this time, Ralph.

RALPH- My cat's breath smells of catfood.

BART- Break a leg, Milhouse.

(Cut to Sector 7-G at the Power Plant)

LENNY- Hey, Homer, what the hell's wrong with you today? You make the Grinch look like Mr. Burns.

HOMER- It's just that I thought of the idea for my kids school to have the Nativity for a Christmas play and Bart and Skinner just screwed it up for me in the process. I wish I never were born.

(A man enters carrying tools and wood)

MAN- What are those guys doing in Mr. Burns office?

CARL- Yeah.

MAN- They better get outta there.

LENNY- Why?

MAN- I'm suppose to fix that part of Mr. B's desk that was eaten through by termites. I told him about it a week ago.

(Suddenly, we hear a huge crash coming from Mr. Burns's office)

SMITHERS'S VOICE- OH MY GOD! MR. BURNS!

(Lenny, Carl, Homer and the man run inside)

(Cut to outside as we see Smithers, Homer and various power plant workers watch Mr. Burns being carried inside the ambulance van)

MR. BURNS- I'll get you for this, Simpson!

HOMER- What did I do?

(Scene changes to Homer and the guys at Moe's Tavern)

MOE- What did you do to Mr. Burns that got him so pissed off, Homer?

LENNY- Homer told him to break a leg, Moe!

BARNEY- It's usually theater talk for good luck. (belches)

CARL- (to Homer) Homer, I'm mad as hell. With Mr. Burns's desk with a big hole in the middle, we finished work today.

MOE- But you did get your revenge, right, Homer?

HOMER- That's not how I wanted to be. I want it be like we do every week at this time.

BARNEY- It looks like you lost the old Simpson Touch, Homer.

HOMER- If one more thing happens to me, I'm going to quit being the anti-hero.

BARNEY- And I'll quit being your loveable sidekick.

HOMER- Cute, Barn. Real cute.

(Scene changes to the Simpson's dining room where the family is eating dinner)

MARGE- How was work today, Homey?

HOMER- Thanks to me, Mr. Burns's in the hospital and we were all sent home!

(Phone rings)

MARGE- I'll get it.

(Marge leaves to get the phone)

BART- Where's your Christmas Sprit, Homer?

HOMER- It left when you were born, Boy.

LISA- Let's got to the hospital tomorrow to visit Mr Burns.

BART- (sarcasticly) Great idea, Lis.

HOMER- Not me.

LISA- Why not, Dad?

HOMER- I don't want to get fired by New Year's Eve.

(Marge returns with an angry look in her face)

MARGE- The nerve of that man!

LISA- Who was on the phone, Dad?

MARGE- Smithers wants Homer to pay for Mr Burns's hospital bill! And on Christmas of all days! (sighs) I might as well pawn Homer's present for the money.

HOMER- What present?

MARGE- I was going to give it to you on Christmas but now I have to pawn it to pay Mr Burns's bill.

HOMER- What is it?

MARGE- It's that Team America DVD you've been wanting so badly for.

HOMER- But, Marge.

HOMER- Sorry, Homey.

HOMER- My life sucks right now. I'm going out for a while.

BART- The weatherman said there's going to be a blizzard in about an hour or so, Homer.

HOMER- I'll be back by then.

(Homer leaves)

(Scene changes to Homer walking in the snow)

HOMER- Damn the boy, damn Smithers and damn Mr Burns for making my life a living Hell.

(Just then, Homer discovers a bridge and decides to walk across it half way. He looks down at the icy river)

HOMER- I wish I was never born.

(Suddenly, the bridge begins to break apart as Homer tries to run to the end of the bridge. He almost makes it but falls into the river below)

END OF ACT ONE

[Race's Girl]

ACT TWO: NO HOMER'S WORLD

(Scene opens with Homer waking up to an all white background)

HOMER- I'm I dead?

VOICE- You're not dead, just not born.

HOMER- What the hell are you talking about? Who's there?

(a man resembling a Simpsonised Ian McShane from Lovejoy wearing a black leather jacket, a white T-shirt, blue jeans and black boots enters)

GUY- I'm Andrew and I'm your guardian angel.

HOMER- Guardian angel? Is this that Punk'd show?

ANDREW- No, this is what the world looks like with you not born.

HOMER- What?

ANDREW- You wished that you weren't born so here it is.

HOMER- (sarcasticly) Great. My life has been turned into a winter wonderland.

ANDREW- Do you wanna see what your friends and family are like without you?

HOMER- It better than staying and watching nothing but white all the time.

ANDREW- Who do you wanna see first?

HOMER- I might as see what my family thinks of life without me.

ANDREW- Okay.

(Andrew takes out a remote control and presses a button. The white background changes to the outside of what looks like a mansion)

ANDREW- Let's go inside and meet Marge and Artie Ziff.

HOMER- Marge Ziff?

(Andrew presses a button on his remote to change to the inside of the mansion)

HOMER- (looking around to see no one around) Where the hell is everyone?

ANDREW- Here they come now.

(We see Marge enter with her husband...Artie Ziff)

HOMER- Marge married that geek?

ANDREW- Without you around in her high school years, Marge decided to get married to Artie. Let's see what unfolds with them.

(Cut to Marge and Artie eating breakfast)

ARTIE- These are some of the best pancakes you ever made, Honey.

MARGE- Thanks, Dear.

ARTIE- Where are those kids of ours? They're going to be late for school.

MARGE- Here they come now.

(We see two familiar kids coming down the stairs; one is Bart and the other is Lisa)

(Cut to Homer and Andrew)

HOMER- Bart and Lisa also live here?

ANDREW- You always strangled Bart and ignored Lisa.

HOMER- Good point.

(Cut back to the Ziff family)

LISA- Mom, can I go on a date with Milhouse on Friday?

MARGE- I'm not sure, Lisa.

LISA- Why not? Bart gets to go on dates!

MARGE- You know that you can't go on any dates until you're 16, Lisa.

HOMER'S VOICE- This is a first.

BART- Told you, Lis.

MARGE- That goes for you too, Bart.

BART- Dammit!

ARTIE- Me and your mom don't like that kind of language spoken in this house, young man.

MARGE- You kids better get ready for school.

(Bart and Lisa leave)

MARGE- Artie, I want you to be more gentle to the kids.

ARTIE- Did you look at Bart and Lisa's grades? Lisa got straight As but Bart got C+s and Ds on his report card. If they just study instead of going out on those dumb dates, they could graduate by the year 2009.

MARGE- Give them a chance, Artie.

ARTIE- I'll do it for you, Marge.

MARGE- Thanks, Artie.

(Cut to Homer and Andrew)

HOMER- What happens now?

ANDREW- We go to Springfield Elementary School to see what Bart, Lisa and their friends would be like without you.

(Andrew presses the button on his remote control as the scene changes to the hallways of Springfield Elementary School)

HOMER- It still looks the same to me.

ANDREW- Here comes Bart and Milhouse, Homer.

(We see Bart and Milhouse walking past Homer and Andrew but they look different; Bart looks really buff and is wearing a red short sleeve shirt, black pants and black biker boots and Milhouse is wearing his lilac T-shirt and red sneakers but he also wears blue jeans)

HOMER- What happened to Bart?

ANDREW- He's just got back from the Gym and he looks pretty buff here and without you around to strangle him, Bart became a mini muscle bound hunk and a chick magnet.

(Bell rings and a group pf girls chase Bart into his own classroom)

ANDREW- We better hurry up if we're going to make it to Miss Hoover's class on time.

HOMER- I bet that Lisa'll still be her old nerdy self.

ANDREW- Think again, Dumbass.

(Scene changes to Miss Hoover's classroom)

MISS HOOVER- Can anyone tell me what year Christopher Columbus discovered America? (she turns to Lisa who is wearing a pink midriff showing T-shirt, a light blue skirt and black knee high boots) Lisa?

LISA- Like, that'd be in 1492, Miss Hoover.

MISS HOOVER- That's correct, Lisa.

(Cut to Homer and Andrew who are standing behind a young man that looks like Ralph Wiggum)

HOMER- A cool Lisa? Now I've seen everything.

ANDREW- Lisa became the most popular girl in school by 1st Grade.

HOMER- Lisa makes Kim Possible look like Lady Penelope.

ANDREW- When you were around, she was a nerd but without you around, Lisa's pretty popular.

(Mr Blastcock enters but his outfit is now in a dark green color)

HOMER- I see that Mr Blastcock had a change of clothes.

ANDREW- You ain't seen nothing yet.

(Cut to Mr Blastcock and Miss Hoover)

MR BLASTCOCK- Elizabeth, you've forgot your lunch again.

MISS HOOVER- Sorry, honey.

MR BLASTCOCK- That's okay!

(Mr Blastcock kisses Miss Hoover on the cheek and leaves)

(The class stares at their teacher)

MISS HOOVER- Sorry about that, Class.

(Cut back to Homer and Andrew)

HOMER- Mr Blastcock and Miss Hoover are married?

ANDREW- They were married for five years and Blastcock ran for Mayor a year ago.

HOMER- I haven't seen Moe or the others anywhere in Springfield. Where are they?

ANDREW- That's where we're going now.

(Andrew presses a button on his remote control as the scene changes to inside Moe's Tavern)

HOMER- Now what?

(Lenny enters)

HOMER- Is that Lenny?

ANDREW- Earth to Homer, yes it is.

HOMER- I can see Carl as well. What are they doing at Moe's at 11:30am anyway?

ANDREW- Don't you know why they're wearing black all of a sudden?

HOMER- I know that they're not going into the Goth scene.

(Carl enters also wearing black)

LENNY- Is Barney coming yet, Carl?

CARL- He should be out of the bathroom in a few minutes, Lenny. Can you see what's keeping him?

LENNY- Aww, nuts.

(Lenny goes into the men's bathroom)

(Cut to Homer and Andrew)

HOMER- What's going on here?

ANDREW- Lenny, Carl and Barney are going to a funeral.

HOMER- Who died?

ANDREW- You don't want to know.

HOMER- Tell me.

ANDREW- It's Moe.

HOMER- What?

ANDREW- He was shot while trying save some guy during a shooting.

HOMER- (startled) Oh, God, no! Not Moe!

ANDREW- I'm sorry, Homer. I'm so sorry.

END OF ACT TWO

[Race's Girl]

ACT THREE- BORN AGAIN

(Scene open inside a church as we see a lot of people attending the funeral of Moe Syzlak: The people are Marge, Artie, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Milhouse and his parents, Nelson, Dolph, Kearney, Jimbo, Professor Frink, Smithers, Lenny, Carl, Kirk Van Houten, Barney, Miss Hoover and Mr Blastcock, Superintenant Chalmers, Agnes Skinner, the Flanders family, Miss Krabappel and her husband Principal Skinner, Laura Powers, a wheelchair bound Mr Burns, the Zit Faced Teenager, the Crazy Cat Lady, the Comic Book Guy, a pregnant Ruth Powers, Janey, Ralph, Chief Wiggum and his wife)

REVERANT LOVEJOY- We are all gathered here today to say goodbye to a man who used his own life to save another one. We'll all remember Moe Syzlak not only a hero but also a loving husband to his wife Ruth Powers-Syzlak and a great stepfather to his stepduaghter Laura Powers. Does anyone have respects for Mr Syzlak?

(Cut to Moe and Andrew who are sitting all the way in the back)

ANDREW- We better go now.

MOE- But I wanna hear what my friends've gotta say about Moe.

ANDREW- Moe's gone, Homer. But there's a way you can talk to them.

HOMER- How?

ANDREW- We gotta go forward in time to about an hour after the funeral back at Moe's Tavern.

HOMER- Let's do it.

(Andrew presses a button on his remote control as the scene changes a to an hour later at Moe's Tavern as everyone is talking about Moe)

MARGE- Moe was a nice man before the incident with the shooting. We're going to miss him, Carl, Lenny.

CARL- Thanks for helping, Marge but it's gonna take awhile for us to regain ourselves after what happened to Moe even Barney's sad.

(Homer walks up to Marge, Lenny and Carl)

HOMER- Is Barney around?

LENNY- Who are you?

HOMER- I'm a friend of Moe who heard what happened to him and I feel so sorry about it.

CARL- Barney needs all the friends he needs with Moe dead and all.

HOMER- Thanks.

LENNY- Barney's in the men's bathroom, maybe you can cheer 'im up.

(Homer goes into the men's room)

(Scene changes to the men's bathroom where Barney is looking at Marge's painting of Moe going up to Heaven)

(Knock on the door)

BARNEY- Who is it?

HOMER'S VOICE- I'm one of Moe's friends.

BARNEY- Door's open.

(Homer enters)

BARNEY- I haven't seen you here before.

HOMER- I'm one of his out-of-town friends from Shelbyville. When Did Moe marry Ruth Powers?

BARNEY- When Ruth and Laura first arrived in Springfield, Moe felt so sorry for Ruth when she said that she was divorced so he fell in love with her and got married.

HOMER- What's Laura doing these days?

BARNEY- Before she got pregnant, she was working at Krusty Burger with her boyfriend, that Zit Faced Kid.

HOMER- Have you heard of a barbershop quartet called the B Sharps?

BARNEY- I was in a barbershop quartet called the Gumble Brothers with Lenny, Carl and Moe in the 1980s but I never heard of the B Sharps.

HOMER- You really miss Moe, don't you?

BARNEY- (starts to cry) I sure do miss him.

(Barney hugs Homer)

HOMER- Let's go to the bar.

BARNEY- Okay.

HOMER- Are you gonna be okay?

BARNEY- Sure.

HOMER- By the way, who's the name of the customer Moe saved before he got shot?

BARNEY- A guy called Seymour Skinner.

(Scene changes to Homer sitting outside Moe's Tavern)

HOMER- (talking to himself) Holy crap, Moe saved my kid's Principal but took his own life to do it. Why did you do it, Moe? Why?

(Andrew enters)

ANDREW- I've been looking all over for you.

HOMER- I wanna live.

ANDREW- What?

HOMER- I said I wanna live. I wanna be born on this earth.

ANDREW- Do you really mean it?

HOMER- Yeah.

(Andrew smiles)

(Scene changes to Homer and Marge's bedroom where Homer is lying down on the bed. As Homer wakes up, he sees Lenny, Carl and Barney sitting on chairs)

LENNY- Guess who's awake.

HOMER- Lenny, Carl, Barney, what are you guys doing in mine and Marge's room?

CARL- We found you lying in the snow so we bought you home.

HOMER- But I fell into the river when the bridge fell apart.

BARNEY- Bridge? I haven't seen any bridges in Springfield before.

HOMER- Let me tell you what happened....

(A few minutes later)

CARL- Let me get this straight, Marge got married to that Artie Ziff guy you hate, Lisa's popular, Ruth Power's pregnant, Bart's a muscle bound hunk and Moe died while saving Principal Skinner's life?

HOMER- Yeah.

LENNY- You're nuts, Homer.

BARNEY- Did you really think Moe would die for someone, Homer?

HOMER- Would I save your life if someone was about to kill you, Barney?

BARNEY- Sure. (belches)

HOMER- Thanks.

(Lenny, Carl and Barney leave)

(Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie enter)

BART- How are you doing, Homer?

HOMER- Fine, Bart.

LISA- Dad, Mom's got some good news.

HOMER- They finally got Jackass back on MTV?

MARGE- Smithers has dropped the charges and blames the man who was supposed to fix his desk for the entire thing from the start.

HOMER- Do I still get the DVD?

BART- Since Mom already pawned it, he got you something better.

(Marge gives Homer a package the size of a CD)

LISA- Mom, why are you giving Dad a present now? Christmas isn't until next week.

MARGE- Lisa, your father's just had a bad day so give him some respect!

HOMER- It's better than you being popular.

LISA- What?

HOMER- (smirks) Nothing.

BART- Open you present already.

(Homer opens his present to see that it's a Thunderbirds: The Movie soundtrack CD)

HOMER- Thanks, Marge. Now I can get the DVD for my birthday.

(Doorbell rings)

MARGE- I get it.

(Marge leaves)

HOMER- When a bell rings, an angel gets their wings.

BART- What was that all about?

LISA- It's something from the movie It's A Wonderful Life.

(Marge returns with a young man that looks like Andrew)

MARGE- I want you all to meet Anrdew. He moved next door just a few days ago.

ANDREW- Hi.

HOMER- (to Andrew) Have we met before?

ANDREW- (winks his right eye at Homer) Let's just say that I met you from out of the blue.

BART- Maybe we should leave you two awhile to talk.

(Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie leave)

HOMER- It's you, isn't it?

ANDREW- Why are you saying that?

HOMER- You showed me what my friends and family would be like if I were never born. Was that a vision of things of what would happen or is it like an episode of Sliders?

ANDREW- That's for God to decide.

HOMER- Did you get your wings, Andrew?

ANDREW- I sure did and I wanna thank you for getting them for me.

HOMER- (smiles) Merry Christmas, Andrew.

ANDREW- (smiles) Merry Christmas, Homer.

(The scene closes with the outside of the Simpson house as it snows. The music in the background is Mr Hankey The Christmas Poo as it plays throughout the credits)

THE END