show quotes

[An 80s Guy]

hey everyone post your favorite quotes from your favorite shows


Daria episode:fire

Quinn
youre not gonna eat all that fat are you

Daria
No i am gonna stick it in my boots cause i love the squishy feeling round my toes

[Ohio8]

My Three Sons
Uncle Charlie (to Steve): "That's the trouble with havin' a scientific mind....it's just too scientific."
Ernie: "A genuine weirdo."

Steve (to Mike): "What in the world is that (?)" Mike: "Maybe you should say, What in the galaxy is that (?)"

[catlover79]

Bob Newhart Show, episode "Over The River and Through The Woods"

Drunk, ordering Chinese food: "Moo goo goo goo" and "My name is DIR Bob Hartley." :lol: Really it works better if you actually watch the episode!

Almost any quote from Barney Miller. Absolute GOLD!! :rofl:

[treky]

Hawkeye, in the MASH episode "Adams Ribs"-"I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish"!
"I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions"!!

[comedyfreak]

Fred Sanford-Sanford and Son "How'd you one of these across yo lips".
Aunt Esther-Sanford and Son "Watch it sucka". "You old fisheyed fool".
Archie Bunker- AITF "Nuts to You". "Get away from me". "Ding Bat"
Maude-Maude "God will get you for that".
JJ Good Times "Dyn o Mite"
Vinnie Barbarino WBK "Up your nose with a rubber hose".

[sunshinefizzy]

ELR:
Marie: Why do I have to shut up? I have a mind too! I'm not gonna stand around like I'm some trophy wife!
Frank: You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win???:lol:

Roseanne:
Dan: Calm down Rosie, you're acting like a crazed pshyco path
Roseanne: The voice in my head disagree!!!

Three's Company:
Ralph Furley: What a day! First I get robbed! Then I fidn out I'm gonna freeze to death! And to top it all off I break my pencil!

[Rosslover]

Karen on W and G "How would you like to live under my skirt."

couldnt stop laughing

[phoebe7165]

Frasier

Frasier:"Oh, Niles, I don't have time for your insanity, I'm about to steal a get well card from a kidney patient!" That's not the exact quote but it's pretty close.

King of Queens

Arthur:"You kids and your diets. In my day, you dropped dead of a massive coronary in your 50s and you liked it!"

Friends

after tasting Monica's 'mockolate' chip cookies

Phoebe:"Dear Lord, this must be what evil tastes like!"

Wings

Roy Biggins' rule of food for a basketball game get-together

Roy:"If it green, it's trouble, if it's fried, get double."

[treky]

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES-Jed: "WEEELL DOGGIES"!

THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW-Barney: "Nip it! Nip it in the bud"!

STAR TREK-Dr. McCoy: "Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a (insert your own word here)"!

MASH-(I won't say who said this, because I'm SURE that EVERYONE knows by now) "I have a message...Lt. Col....Henry Blakes plane...was shot down...over The Sea of Japan...it spun in...there were no survivors".

[catlover79]

"As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." -- Arthur Carlson (Gordon Jump) on WKRP in Cinncinati

[comedyfreak]

I also liked Endora's quote when she spoke in Rhymes:
Endora: "Durwood, I don't like the way you gloat; so I'm turning you into a Billy Goat". Classic.

[Dynomite]

Col. Potter from M*A*S*H, after he busts Charles for attempting to pull down the mess tent with a jeep after accusing anyone of swiping an edition of the Boston Globe newspaper:

Col. Potter:(Over the base intercom): "Attention, people, and that's an order! I've had it up to my baby blues with all of you! Not only am I putting the whoa nellie on this tomfoolery, I'm demanding an official apology from the person who started it all in the first place!"

After the base personnel applauded, Charles had to apologise for accusing whomever of swiping his newspaper after learning the hard way that the paper wasn't delivered because of a trucker's strike. After he made his apology, he asked for his clothing back after it was taken while he was showering.

[mrs.gingerhinkley]

Dukes of Hazzard:
Roscoe: "I smell peas!"

I Love Lucy:
Ethel- "What are you going to do?"
Lucy- "I'll leave him. No, that's probably what he wants."
Ehtel- "Yeah, stay married to him. That'll teach him."
:lol:

Gilligan's Island:
oh gosh, if i start posting quotes... i'll never stop!
"Yes, I miss Saturday night at the library; the hustle and bustle to get to the reference desk..." -Professor;)

I have WAY to many fav GI quotes...:lol:

[Ohio8]

The Brady Bunch/Jan (to Marcia): "I'm not a creep." Peter: "Jan's right. She's not a creep." Jan: "Thank you." Peter: "You're a super creep."
M*A*S*H/Hawkeye (to B.J.): "Henry Blake was our CO....Henry was okay in every direction, from the navel out." Radar: "He sure was." Frank (to Hawkeye): "Captain..." Hawkeye: "No man calls me that and lives."
Green Acres/Hank: "Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. Did you know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year-old child's is?"
The Andy Griffith Show/Andy: "You're a good son, Barn." Barney: "I try."

Sanford and Son/Fred (to Lamont): "Now look, you get a ticket bt a white cop in a blue uniform in a black neighborhood making you so mad you see red. And you ain't gonna fight it 'cause you too yellow. Now what are you? A man or a box of crayons?"
The Golden Girls/Rose: "I never felt so great....and so cheap in my whole life."
The Brady Bunch/Oliver: "Well, gosh, it was only a suggestion."

[Kristen]

Here's some just off the top of my head.

Wings
Roy:Party's at Joe's house. Be there, or be stupid. Lowell, you can be both.

Casey:Let's get a welcome home gift for Joe and Helen.
Brian:We already got them a welcome home gift. WE BURNED THEIR HOUSE DOWN!

The Nanny
Niles:Cluck like a chicken....it turns me on! (Classic scene!)

And of course:
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Lou:You know what? You've got spunk!
Mary:Well, yes....
Lou:I HATE spunk!

[treky]

MASH-Charles walks into the swamp and sees B.J.:
Charles: "Hunnicut"
B.J.: "Winchester"
Charles: "Where's your friend Pierce"?
B.J.: "It's thursday. The nurses hang their underwear on the line. He takes a sandwich and makes a day of it".



And of course-
"I have a message...Lt. Col....Henry Blakes plane...was shot down...over the sea of Japan...it spun in....there were no survivors".

(I won't say who said that and what episode it's from, since everyone knows. If not the name of the episode, at least what it's about)

[treky]

All in the Family-Frank Lorenzo:I kept the cookware. It's teflon"! Archie: "Yea, I've heard of guys like you".


The Honeymooners: Ralph-"GEEEET OUT!!!!"

[Ohio8]

Sanford and Son/ (Mrs. Hopkins has told Fred to replace a window shade.) Fred: "...and I'm sure anybody outside don't want to look in."
Mrs. Hopkins: "Is that an insult?" Fred: "Is a bullfrog waterproof?"

Mrs. Hopkins: "Just get crackin' on that Mr. Sanford..." Fred: "I'd like to get crackin' on you." Mrs. Hopkins: "Well. I. Never." Fred: "I can believe that."

[Rosslover]

"You got to stop the q tip where there's resistance....Chandler

"It's a moo point." Joey..


"First divorce, wife's a lesbian, second divorce, said the wrong name, kind of my fault, third divorce, no one should be allowed to marry when they are that drunk , nevada's fault...Ross


You'll take off your shoes, point your feet toward Jesus and think of handbags ...Karen

[Ohio8]

Sanford and Son/Fred (to Aunt Esther): "Well I had to get drunk to look at yo' ugly family." (they talk.) Fred: "...listen, for years people goin' around sayin', 'Black is beautiful!' They took one look at yo' family and said 'Hold everything.'"

[treky]

ALL IN THE FAMILY-

Frank Lorenzo: "I kept the cookware" (turns to Archie) "It's teflon"!
Archie: "Yea, I've heard about guys like you".


THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES-

Miss Hathaway (to Jed):

"I hear Jethro went to Oxford"?

Jed: "Yes, ma'm".

Miss Hathaway: "Did he also go to Eaton"?

Jed: "If I know Jethro, he went ta eatin' the minute he was born".
"Matter of fact, he won an eatin' contest".

Miss Hathaway: "What sport did he win"?

Jed: "Eatin'!"

Miss Hathaway: "No, I mean what sport? Cricket"?

Jed: "Oh, naw! He et a whole bucket o' crawdads! I don't think even Jethro would eat a cricket".




Jed and Jethro are trying to enroll Jethro in a scholl, not knowing it's a prestigious private school. They're talking to the headmistress:

Mrs. Potts (the headmistress):

"You do know we charge tuition"
Jed: "yes, ma'm"
Mrs. Potts: "It's quite beyond your means; I'm sure".
Jed: "Well; anything's fine ma'm as long as it ain't over twenty-five million dollars".
Mrs. Potts (wide eyed): "TWENTY.... FIVE"?
Jed: "Yes ma'm"
Mrs. Potts: "MILLION"?
Jed: "Yes ma'm".
Jethro: "In cash".
Jed: "Yes ma'm. On account o' that's all ah got".

[treky]

THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW

Barney: "There's only one way to handle this! NIP IT...NIP IT IN THE BUD"!

[catlover79]

Here a couple of nuggets from Barney Miller:

Wojo is upset because Wentworth insisted on paying for his dinner, and the waiter of the restaurant implied that Wentworth was "keeping him".

Yemana: How was dinner?
Wojo: Degrading.
Yemana: I think I know the restaurant.

In another episode, the precinct roof is on the verge of collapse due to a heavy rainstorm. The building inspector comes by and is explaining to Barney:

Inspector: You have to understand your roof. It moves, it expands, it breathes, it sways back and forth in the wind.

Fish (deadpan): That's what killed the Edsel.

:rofl:

[treky]

THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES-Jed and Jethro are trying to enroll Jethro in a school; but don't know it's a prestiduios private school.

headmistress (Mrs. Potts); "You do know we charge tuition"?
Jed: "Yes ma'm; ah figgured thet".
Mrs. Potts: "And it's quite beyond your means, I'm sure".
Jed: "Well; anything's fine ma'm; as long as it's not over twenty-five million dollars".
Mrs. Potts: "TWENTY...FIVE??"
Jed: "Yes ma'm".
Mrs. Potts: "MILLION??"
Jed: "Yes ma'm"
Jethro: "In caish".
Jed: "Yes ma'm"

[sunshinefizzy]

From 3's, Mr. Roper is playing bartender at a cocktail party thrown by Chrissy's boss.

Lady ordering a drink: I'll have a Brandy Alexander.
Mr. Roper: My name is Stanley.
Lady: No, no. It's a drink you mix some brandy with some cream and then...
Mr. Roper: Oh, you don't want to drink that junk. Here have a beer.:lol:

To be honest, beer sounds better to me than that ****. Sorry to whoever likes it.

[Ohio8]

M*A*S*H/Col. Potter: "That'll clean your rifle barrel..."
Col. Potter: "That'll rip the tarpaper off the roof..." B.J.: "It hits the spot." Col. Potter: "And rubs it out."

[Ohio8]

M*A*S*H/Radar (to Frank): "Sir....that's one of those guns can shoot thirty corporals a second."
Frank: "The man's a beast; an animal." Hot Lips: "Yeah....every bit of him..."

Hawkeye: "War is war, and hell is hell, and of the two war is a lot worse."
Father Mulcahy: "How do you figure that, Hawkeye?" Hawkeye: "Tell me...who goes to hell (?)" Father Mulcahy: "Uh...sinners, I believe." Hawkeye: "Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in hell."

The Munsters/Herman: "TV....it's a great medium for cultural exchange."

[treky]

FRIENDS/Monica:

"OK; Ben why don't you open another present while Santa, the armadilo and I, talk in the kitchen"? "There's a sentence I'll never use again".

[Ohio8]

M*A*S*H/Father Mulcahy: "No ecc. conflict, Hawkeye, the bartender who married them was a Druid." B.J. (to Charles): "You may now ignore the bride."
Pvt. Roberts (to Col. Potter): "Do a good job, Doc." Col. Potter: "You bet your boots."

Frank (to Henry): "...Col. Pecked, that's what you are." Hawkeye says "I'll get you at recess" to Frank and then squirts someting at him.
Hot Lips: "Colonel did you see that !?!" Henry: "Do you mind, Major?, I'm trying to sew my glove into this patient's body."

Gilligan's Island/Gilligan: "Skipper......I don't think I'm gonna be able to support this wife."
Skipper: "Well how do I look, Gilligan?" Gilligan: "You look like a bowl of soggy shredded wheat." Skipper (sarcastic): "Thank you for the compliment...(serious): Since we're passing around the compliments, I've seen whisk brooms that look better than you do."

[Ohio8]

M*A*S*H/Klinger: "...he thinks the chain of command's something you use to beat the servants with."
Col. Potter: "That's bribery!!" Charles: "No!! That's the American way. Survival of the richest."

[Ohio8]

The Golden Girls/Dorothy: "I'd like to get him on a couch made of Corinthian leather....." Dorothy (sarcastic): "The woman has such lofty ambitions."
The Addams Family/Gomez (to Morticia): "You see? Our man's a politician of the old school."

M*A*S*H/Col. Potter: "...a Parisien house of instant happiness. Which I smelled in passing of course." Hawkeye: "The only spirits around here are the ones we drink."
Hot Lips: "Don't you love what she's wearing?" Klinger: "Naaaah. Too pushy."
Col. Potter: "Well Father what's your critical opinion (?)" Father Mulcahy: "Interesting.....sort of a cross between a bishop and a bullfighter."

[Ohio8]

The Dick van Dyke show/ (Mel and his cousin Maxwell enter.) Buddy: "Look at this.......will the real baldy please stand up." (Maxwell laughs.) Buddy (sotto voce to Sally): "This guy'll laugh at anything. Watch this: "Shoe horn." (Maxwell laughs.)

(Mel enters.) Buddy: "How do you like that? We're lookin' for a finish; here he is."

Roseanne Roseanne (to Bev): "You're not just an alcoholic, you're a carrier."

[Ohio8]

The Dick van Dyke Show Mel: "You see, Maxwell doesn't have any overhead." Buddy: "And it runs in the family, don't it, Curly (?)"
Mork & Mindy Mork: "Min.......it's alright for me to sit on my face but I don't think you can."
Bewitched Darrin (to Samantha): "You can't say 'hello' to an Irishman in a minute."

[Ohio8]

Roseanne Darlene (to Roseanne): "...you didn't tell me I was gonna have to spend the afternoon baking with Drunken Heinze." Fred: "Man. She is an ugly sober."

[Ohio8]

The Dick van Dyke Show Buddy: "...and remember, a friend in need is a pest."

[Ohio8]

3rd Rock From the Sun/Big Giant Head: "It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!" Dick: "The same thing happened to me!"
Dick: "I'm gorgeous!"

[Ohio8]

Newsradio/"...before they get brainwashed by the thought police." Max (sarcastic): "Oh like Big Bird and Elmo." Joe: "Elmo's a _________, dude." Matt: "I knew it..."

Mattthew: "Wait a minute......Big Bird's not on our side?"
* * *
(From the last episode):
(Matthew's under Dave's desk.) He looks at Dave and says "It's me and you, pal.....meeee and youuuu forever." Dave: "I know."

[Ohio8]

The Golden Girls/Blanche (to Sophia): :"When I say 'Jump,' you say 'On who?'" Dorothy (to Blanche): "...what makes you think you know everything about the opposite sex?" Blanche: "Let the record speak for itself. I have had 143 relationships." Dorothy: "And no convictions."

Dorothy: "Now Ma remember don't do anything I wouldn't do." Sophia: "I think I crossed that line when I got a date." Tony: "Sophia you look enchanting....if I wasn't such a gentleman I'd try to ply you with wine and take advantage of you..." Blanche: "There's a liquor store on the corner."
Dorothy: "No: she can't drink it mixes with her medication." Sophia: "Beautifully."

Sophia: "Good night pussycat, you have nothing to worry about." Dorothy: "Ma....be good." Sophia: "I promise."

(Tony and Sophia are laying in bed after sex.) Tony: "You'reee good." Sophia: "A promise is a promise." Tony: "Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn to do those things?" Sophia: "I live with a slut." Tony: "Thank her for me."