Fave Quote

[Brett Ferino]

What is it and why?

[Lissa]

Okay, I don't know exactly how it went, but it was something like this:

Rosanne: You're not normal,Darlene. You dress funny, you're weird, and you're too damn start for your own good.

[alex]

''cardboard it does a body good''-DJ

[shocolah]

Roseanne: *Bitch, bitch, bitch! That's all you ever ARE !*

and one that went something like *I wish I could stuff your
ears in your pockets so you could hear me kicking your
butt*

[Will and Grace Fanatic]

a quote from the pilot episode, I think it went like this:

Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.


Also this quote:

Dan: You know girls always go for guys that remind them of their fathers.

Roseanne: Not if they listen to their mothers.

[flagler]

I have so many. I don't know the exact words but when Roseanne is accusing Darlene of having sex with David.

Darlene: Why would I do it with you guys in the next room?

Roseanne: Why not, you could be real quiet

Darlene: Really? you can't

Roseanne: You mean you can here us?

Darlene: I had to tell David you were moving furniture you were so loud

Also when D.J asks about birth control

D.J: So do you use birth control

Darlene: Yes D.J we keep a picture of you next to our bed

[Superbatboy]

Roseanne and Jackie are talking about Jackie's new boyfriend.


Jackie: Well Roseanne he doesn't even know me

Roseanne: Well maybe that's because you've been acting like Gidget on an aphrodesiac for the past 3 weeks

[garrettgam]

from "Roseanne" Season 4 | Episode 73 | "A Bitter Pill To Swallow"

Crystal, Roseanne's friend and Dan's Father's new wife, comes over, complaining that her child keeps her up at all hours of the morning. She tells Roseanne that she has even tried the washing machine. Darlene takes it the wrong way and asks "You put him in the washing machine?" Crystal tells her that the vibrations from the washing machine are supposed to soothe the baby to sleep. Roseanne tells Darlene:

"Yeah, you know when you were a baby, we couldn't afford a washing machine so, I had to take you down to the river and beat ya against a rock."

[natalierocks]

but I think my all-time favorite is something like:

Dan: Face it, we're screwed. (His drywall job fell through.)

Roseanne: Dan, we are so far beyond screwed that the LIGHT from screwed will take one million years to reach the earth!



:D

[iloveTV]

My favorite quote goes something like this: (Not word for word.)

The girls keep staying out past curfew and Roseanne and Dan keep grounding them but it doesn't work. So they decide to stay out late to prove a point to the girls. Jackie comes over to get them riled up. Just when she's got them really worried they realize what she's doing.

Becky: Well, I'm calling the cops.
Jackie: No, no...we can't do that...
Becky: Why? They could be missing.
Jackie: The police don't like that. I mean you have to be missing 24 hours.
Becky: Oh. Well, what if they're dead?
Jackie: Let's not get hysterical.
Darlene: THEY'RE DEAD!
Both girls start holding eachother and fake crying. Then they ask Jackie if she'll adopt them.
Jackie: You are horrible girls.
They start singing "The sun will come out tomorrow..."
Later on Jackie is telling them that curfew is a way for Roseanne and Dan to tell them that they love them.
Becky: I curfew you, Darlene.
Darlene: I curfew you, too, Becky.

If anybody knows the exact words on that please post them.

[Cashodeen]

You basically got all the exact words as far as I can remember. I do recall some other bits during the discussion of the missing persons thing.

I can't remember when exactly but about the time Becky is going to dial the police she says, "...let's face it, even mom and dad can't eat dinner for four hours."

While they are fake crying, they say stuff I really can't make out, and the close captioning didn't pick it up. They talk about their parents being ran over by a big truck, and Darlene goes "squish squish, squish squish."

And I always had trouble understanding the "cerfew" part but I read the close caption and it showed them saying "I cerfew Darlene" "I cerfew too Beck." (because I guess they meant for cerfew to be "love you" combined.)

And at the end jackie yells at them calling them "rotten, rotten kids" as the run up the stares laughing.

Anyway, that's about it. Love that episode.

[BingAling889]

My FAVORITE quote...funniest line EVER in any sitcom I'e ever seen so far, was in the episode where Roseanne and Jackie's father died, and Jacky was on the phone to tell...on of their relatives (all I can think of is Nana Mary, but I recall hearing something like Aunt....) that their father has passed, and the other perosn is obviosly near-deaf.

(Since I don't know the name, I'll just use Nana Mary)

JACKIE: Um..Nana Mary...I have some bad news.
(pause)
JACKIE: No, some BAD NEWS......dad has passed away.
(pause)
JACKIE: He's PASSED AWAY.
(pause)
JACKIE: DAD HAS DIED.
(pause)
JACKIE: DAD IS DEAD!
(pause)
JACKIE: HE'S PASSED AWAY!
(hysterical)
JACKIE: HE'S PASSED AWAY! HE'S PASSED AWAY! DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S PASSED AWAY!
(pause)
JACKIE: NO, HE'S FINE! HE SENDS YOU HIS LOVE!
(hangs up)

------
I probably didn't get most of that right, but you get the idea.

[BingAling889]

Some other favorite quotes;

*Molly and Darlene are in the concert parking lot*

MOLLY: You already have David, Darlene. I'm still looking for Mr. Right.
DARLENE: And aren't we lucky to be in a parking lot with a bunch of drunk losers...I'm sure it won't be hard to find that white stallion!
------
*Mark and Beky return home after eloping*

BECKY: Where's mom?
DARLENE: She's in the kitchen...with the knives...
MARK: I'd better go in and talk to her.
DARLENE: ...with the knives...
-----
*Nancy has come out of the closet*

DAN: Well, did she tell you?
ROSEANNE: No. we just saw the I'M A BIG 'OL DYKE bumper sticker on the back of her truck!!
-----
*Becky is leaving with Mark*

BECKY: Well, I guess this is it...
DARLENE: I'll miss you.
BECKY: Take care, Darlene.
DARLENE: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
BECKY: You are the wind beneath my wings...
ROSEANE: Alright, you two...
DARLENE: See ya', bubble-butt.
BECKY: Later, Morticia...

[Crimson and Clover]

Roseanne to Darlene

"All human beings connect sex and love-except men"

[Cashodeen]

The Conner's have recently lost their electricity and Jackie comes during breakfast and is going on and on about her night before at the single's dance. No one could get a word in to tell her about the electricity while she was talking, preparing her breakfast, and checking her phone messages:

Jackie: Oh, there's a message from you on here, Roseanne... what do you need flashlights and candles for? turns on the blender switch and it doesn't come on. Ohhhhhhhh.
Roseanne: Well, we don't know when we'll get lights back, but at least now we know the speed of STUPID.

[sdswcu]

One the many great scenes from the show was when Jackie went to dinner with Fred to celebrate the birth of their son. Jackie has asked him how many women he has slept with and he says 3. She has said she slept with 3 guys a year for the past 20 years so that's 60 guys.
Fred: I don't even KNOW 60 people!
Jackie: Well I didn't know all of them.
:rotflmao:

[Winnie]

My fave quote is the ep with David and Darlene's prom and Darlene says: "The only way I'm going to prom is if I get to sit the rafters with a bucket of pig's blood." Runner-up is the one where Bev meets her husband's mistress as says to her: "What a shame we don't have some sort of flavored coffee to celebrate this special moment in our lives"; you knew Roseanne had to get it from somewhere.

[Bad_Company]

Darlene comes in late from being at a concert with Molly "the slut" neighbor-girl.

Dan- "You shoulda called"

Darlene:" It was a bad neighborhood when i finally found a pay phone i got tired of waiting for the guy to finish peeing"
:lol:

Darlene:"Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex"
Dan"I don't think that'll work"

[db108108]

How could you forget the classic line.....

(Roseanne and Dan are peeing at the old naked neighbours. Roseanne rips her blouse open in front of them...)

What colour are my eyes?

then there's quick classics like....

(Roseanne screaming to DJ) Are you new?

(Roseanne to Dan, whose asking for shampoo) Since when are you too good for Tide?

[*MIBabe03*]

When Roseanne was reflecting on the birth of DJ and she has Jackie by the hair. Roseanne: Jackie, mom was right sex is baaaaaaaaaaad!

[stephy]

Dan is saying about how his friends used to tell girls that if they jumped up and down after sex that they wouldn't get pregnant and when becky gets home from her date she says something to the effect of
i'm going up to my room so i can jump up and down

[Janice]

Roseanne: All I want for my kids are for them to be happy and to leave home, and I don't really care about them being happy all that much.

DJ brings a dog home, and leaves the kitchen. The dog is eating DJ's cereal at the kitchen table. The family enters and doesn't notice, until Darlene asks where the dog came from.
Roseanne: Dan, I knew we shouldn't have let DJ have that lab kit. :lol:

[stephy]

another good one is
:Moms gonna forgive me for calling D.J weird, hell she even forgave me when i wrote please point and scream on his forehead with permanent magic marker

[bubblegum]

In "Wait till your father gets home" Jackie and Dan are at the Eternal Peace Mortuary. Jackie picked a coffin callled white rose for her dad. Dan says to the man: "so your saying if she really loved him she'd get the white rose but if she didn't she'd get something with a twist tie and hefty at the end".

[BlackKitty87]

My favorite is when Darlene talks about people eating meat and their stomachs are cemetaries. I forgot how it was said, but I got a kick outta that.

[LILFACE23]

I like this one...

Darlene: You know, we understand your corny little sex jokes...
Roseanne: You ARE our corny little sex jokes... :lol:

That cracks me up... :lol:

[bunzofsteele]

Oh man, there are so many gooders...Let's see...

When Dan and Roseanne have to work late at the bike shop and the kids have to run the house. Darlene cooks spaghetti with thousand island dressing, and Becky is complaining:

Becky: That was disgusting!

Darlene: DJ loved it!

Becky: DJ eats HAIR!

Also when Dan and Roseanne are hosting Chip's parents, and they are talking about their trip to Hawaii, and Dan and Roseanne are bored...

Edgar: In Hawaii, they say "aloha" for everything. It means hello, it means goodbye, I know it means love...

Roseanne: I think it means "potholder' too

I'm sure I'll think of more good ones soon, and post them here. :)

[HuntingtonM15]

Originally posted by BingAling889
My FAVORITE quote...funniest line EVER in any sitcom I'e ever seen so far, was in the episode where Roseanne and Jackie's father died, and Jacky was on the phone to tell...on of their relatives (all I can think of is Nana Mary, but I recall hearing something like Aunt....) that their father has passed, and the other perosn is obviosly near-deaf.

(Since I don't know the name, I'll just use Nana Mary)

JACKIE: Um..Nana Mary...I have some bad news.
(pause)
JACKIE: No, some BAD NEWS......dad has passed away.
(pause)
JACKIE: He's PASSED AWAY.
(pause)
JACKIE: DAD HAS DIED.
(pause)
JACKIE: DAD IS DEAD!
(pause)
JACKIE: HE'S PASSED AWAY!
(hysterical)
JACKIE: HE'S PASSED AWAY! HE'S PASSED AWAY! DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S PASSED AWAY!
(pause)
JACKIE: NO, HE'S FINE! HE SENDS YOU HIS LOVE!
(hangs up)

------
I probably didn't get most of that right, but you get the idea.


lol, I know this was posted long ago, but here's how it went:


Jackie: Auntie Barbara, it's Jackie.
Jackie: Jackie.
Jackie: I'm fine.
Jackie: Fine.
Jackie: I'm fine.
Jackie: I have some bad news.
Jackie: Dad is not with us anymore.
Jackie: (louder) I said dad has passed away.
Jackie: He's passed away!
Jackie: Dad is gone.
Jackie: Dad's dead!
Jackie: He's dead!
Jackie: No, dead!
Jackie: Dad!!
Jackie: He's fine. He sends his love.
Jackie: Bye.

[bubblegum]

I good one was when Jackie is pregnant in "thanksgiving 93" Jackie tells roseanne to stop trying to shove her and Fred together and Roseanne replies "correct me if i'm wrong but you two have already been shoved together"

[stephy]

In the episode where Lecy returns
Darlene: Where the hell have you been?
Becky:Why does everyone keep asking me that?

[MilOGuy876]

When Jackie calls roseanne and her family "Hoodlim Oreo eaters, thats all you are!"

[almostgolden]

When Rosanne and Jackie are in the bathroom and Rosanne thinks she's pregnant......Dan knocks and says, "What are you doing in there?" And Rosanne says, "We're worshipping Satan honey we'll be right out!"

[stephy]

Roseanne:Whats wrong with my kids?
Jackie:Nothing, if you want to reverse the process of evolution

[lemmy]

I love the snide remarks Darlene makes to Becky all the time,

Becky:You're just mad 'cause I have a date.
Darlene:And a 2 ply chest.

Becky:All I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene:Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.

Becky:Look what I found.
Darlene:Your virginity... No wait, you left that behind a dumpster at K-Mart.
But even better is when Becky gets Darlene back,

Darlene:Its not that I hate you, i just hate all vegtables.
Becky:Well your a vegitarian, Eat me!

[stephy]

It really depends on what mood i'm in if I enjoy Darlene's nasty comments, sometimes it's funny but other times it's out and out cruel.
Darlene:Thets play a game, it's called teach Becky a new phrase, she all ready knows shut up Darlene and do you have this in a bigger size?
If my sister said something like that to me she would get a slap.

[bubblegum]

I like when Darlene says "1,2,3,slam thats when the door would have slamed...if we had one"

[bubblegum]

(Darlene and David sitting in the car late at night.)
Officer: “What are you kids doing?”
Darlene: “Filling out our applications for college. Mom won’t let us do it in the house.”

Jackie and Dan are in the garage drinking
Jackie: We can't go in there, she's in there!....Bev!....Beverage!....Non-alcoholic Beverage is in there!

Roseanne: You knew when you married me that I had a sister!
Dan: But I didn't think she'd be be here EVERY weekend.
Roseanne: Well I didn't think I'D be here EVERY weekend.

[stephy]

What about when Becky, Darlene, Mark and David are playing scrabble and Mark gets a really good score with oxygen on tripple letter and tripple word score,

Mark: (to David) I'm the boss of you, (to Darlene) I'm the boss of you (to Becky) and I've always been the boss of you!
Becky: Mark, oxygen's not a word.
Darlene:No
David:It's an abbreviation.
Mark:But I've seen it on oxygen tanks
David:Thats because it doesn't fit on, unless you have it verticle... which is illegal.
Mark: Oh... It

[bubblegum]

In Promises, Promises
Roseanne: Soon as Dj is old enough to do it him and his girlfriend will be doing it right there on the end of the couch while I'm sitting on the other end just watching tv and I won't notice a damn thing.

[padams]

Roseanne: "What's the worst that can happen? The tornado can pick up our house and slam it down into a better neighborhood."

Totto We're Not In Kansas Anymore

[Nanny Fine]

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.





******************************


I can't remember the exact quote and I can't find it anywhere but when Darlene got accepted to the art school in Chicago and she wanted Jackie to break the news to Roseanne first.

She said "I dont want Rozilla leveling Chicago in a search for me". (reference to Godzilla). Of course, said in her wry voice humor. I LOVE Darlene.

*******************************

Molly: They're so cute. Which one do you want?
Darlene: The one who'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.


********************************

Roseanne: Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.

*********************************

Roseanne: There are better ways to aggravate us than by frying your brain cells. Look at Becky: she never did drugs. She married Mark.

****************************************

[sniffmagikmarkrs]

scenario: roseanne walks up and looks at david and darlene who are sitting on the couch

Darlene: If you ignore her she might just sniff you and go away

[sniffmagikmarkrs]

Darlene (to DJ): You're about to become a strange smell in the attic

[sniffmagikmarkrs]

sorry to post so much but i have a couple more

Scenario: David tells roseanne and dan that he's seen darlene do drugs before

Darlene: If you see anything that looks like a stamp in my room don't lick it
**************************
Scenario: roseanne and dan were looking at their next door nudist neighbors who say there's nothing wrong with being nude roseanne then rips open her shirt and says "What color are my eyes?"

[brainlesschild09]

for some reason i like it anytime when Roseanne calls someone a bitch, because she always says it so funny.

Another one that just made me laugh so much when i first heard it:

Roseanne, Dan, and DJ are talking about kids being "accidents"

DJ: Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: Darlene was a disaster!

[David&Dan]

The best quotes are when Rosanne, Dan, and Jackie are smoking the pot that they thought was David's but was really Rosie's.
This is how I think it mostly goes.


Dan: I thought this would make us feel young again but I just feel older.

Roseanne and Dan start talking about the fudge pops...

Roseanne: Can I have that?

Dan: It's the last one!

He eventually gives it to her...

Roseanne: Maybe this is how we got fat!

Dan and Roseanne start talking more...

Jackie: Nobody loves me!

She opens up the shower curtain and someone knocks on the door...

Jackie: the jig is up!

DJ: Mom...are you in there?

Roseanne: It's DJ!

Dan: Hey you ever notice how weird that name sounds...DJJJJJJJ...DJJJJJJ!

Roseanne and Dan laugh...

Roseanne: Ok Dan we have to act normal.

Roseanne: (Trying to sound like she isnt high) Yes DJ!

DJ: I forgot my sleeping bag.
Do you know where it is?

She tells him it's in the shed somewhere.

DJ: Ok... thanks.

Roseanne: (Upset) Dan... I don't even know where I sent my kid! I feel awful. I am a bad mother!

Dan: We will never do this again!

They start to talk about telling David about the pot and somemore stuff and they leave the room...

Jackie: Hello...hello...anybody there!

Hope I summed it up pretty good. Im pretty sure I got the best parts.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Heather987]

I cant think of it word for word, but DJ, Dan, and Roseanne are in the living room and Dan tells DJ he doesnt have to kiss the girl in the school play and Roseanne says he does.

DJ: (TO Roseanne) Well Dad says I dont have to and he out ranks you
Roseanne: (To DJ) ? Are you new?

____________________

This ones always played in ads but I like it

Roseanne: I consider myself a great judge of people thats why I dont like none of 'em

____________________
Roseanne and Dan keep staring at the old people that moved in and invite them over to talk to them about always being naked

Roseanne: (she opens her shirt to flash them) What color are my eyes?

_____________________

One of my favorites

Darlene walks in on Jimmy and David talking and Darlene says
to David

Darlene: (To David) So you told my boyfriend you were (cant remeber name) ----- and that you were gay

[db108108]

The funniest part of teh pot scene is how Roseanne talks to DJ- in a reall high pitched, fast voice

WhatdoyouwantDJ?

You know, it's in that building, theone behidn the house...,.?

[nala002]

How about when Becky tell Mark that she went (wants to go) back on the pill. (When they were trying to have a baby) Mark says something like.."I can't believe we had all that sex for nothing" My God, as I'm typing this, I can't help but crack up.